Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord

Let me begin by saying I am a fount of emotions right now. My thoughts are scattered and I don't even know what I'm going to write. All I know is things have to change...NOW!

I just came from my first night of my small groups (Bible Study) and my butt is sore. Why is my butt sore (and more importantly, why would I write about it)? Because I just got another big kick in it with the big, steel-toed boot of reality!

I have known for quite some time that I fall short of the glory of God, past the point of normal people. I am so low and deserve absolutely nothing that I have. And yet, God has chosen to bless me abundantly. If I wrote for the rest of my life, I could not list all of the blessings that I have. How crazy is that?! There is not enough time in the normal human life to even list all of our blessings. And what do I give in return? No amount of time I could give God will ever be good enough, but I don't even give a fraction. I put so many things ahead of praising and worshipping my Lord and Savior. Not important, life-saving things....things as trivial as an extra five minutes of sleep, folding laundry, watching ridiculous mind-numbing tv. So, I'm going to change. It's not for myself or for the people reading this. It's for my awesome, amazing, "I am who I am" God. Because although I can't give Him what He deserves, I need to try. When I meet Him, I don't want to cower in shame (although that is still highly probable). I want to be dumbstruck by Him, soak Him in, praise Him, acknowledge Him, sing for Him, worship Him, humble myself at His feet. I want to do it all! I do not want to be Martha anymore; I want to be Mary.

I don't really know where to start changing my life. I've signed up for Small Groups and attend my regular Bible Fellowship and have joined my church's MOPs group. I'm hoping that the relationships there will help to support me. And actually, I'm hoping YOU will support me. My plan, for now, is to start another blog where I can just journal about my readings. It would be interesting and strengthening if others gave their opinions. Sometimes we get so stuck on ideas that we don't see other possibilities. Now, I don't expect anyone else to follow the same path that I am. I'm going to try to make my quiet time a focal point of my day, not a rushed chore. If I have time to post a blog, I will. If not, I may play catch up later or I may skip sections. In any case, I'd love to hear other viewpoints.

The world we live in is so crazy, I can't even comprehend. There are close to seven BILLION people here and God knows the hearts and minds of each of us. He knows the exact number of raindrops He'll bless us with as well as how the beautiful rays of sun will shine on us and everything else. He knows EVERYTHING, absolutely everything. He blesses us even though we don't deserve it, because He loves us. He blesses us even though we give Him nothing.

As the Fall Season Approaches

Well, another summer is over and the beautiful Fall season is just beginning. I can't wait for the weather to be crisp, the leaves to change color, to drink hot apple cider and eat caramel apples again, and for the family to join together for Thanksgiving. When I was young, summer was my favorite season, as it seems to be with most children. Of course, this was probably due to no school. But then the first few weeks of summer would pass and I was ready to go back again. Yes, I was a school nerd.

Now as I'm older, I appreciate Fall much more. Spring is beautiful; everything is soft and light and starting anew. But Fall is comforting; it's a time to rest and recover. It means sweaters, bonfires, throwing the football around...just having fun. And that's about all I can say about that. It's not important, not even very interesting, but I'm looking forward to the season again.

I'm starting to resort to this blog as a journal more and more frequently. It's where I spill out my thoughts and feelings without having to bore too many people! This past week or so I've been doing a lot of thinking and really just needed to get it out, so here's my outlet.

First of all, I've been having some issues the last few months, so I went to the doctor for a check-up. The last cyst I developed while I was pregnant has not grown, so the doctor was happy with that. However, due to some newer circumstances, I have to go back in a few months. Without getting graphic, suffice it to say that the doctor is concerned with potential future pregnancies. There is a possibility I may not be able to have more or that if I do, I'll have to have assistance with it. We're going to follow up on this in November and see where I stand then. If the problems persist, then we're going to discuss treatment options. I'm not sure what "treatment options" means, but it's not something I'm looking forward to discussing. I know I can be a bit of a drama queen and let my imagination get away with me, so I'm trying not to think about it too much. However, I can't stop imagining the pictures of a high school classmate's ordeal with IVF. I don't think that's something I would want to do.

I've talked to Michael about this and he is, of course, calm about it. He says he'll be happy with just Seth. I'm still anxious about it. It's just like back in high school when my doctor thought there was a possibility of Cancer. My scores were high and he couldn't come up with any other explanation for my cysts. I wasn't afraid of the word Cancer or it's consequences; it was the waiting I hated. I hate riding the fence and imagining situations for either course. Either I have it or I don't; either I can get pregnant or I can't. It's not the answer the bothers me, just the waiting. I would be very happy with having just Seth. It's much more practical and economical and we would be able to do so much more for him. And it's not like a second child could make me any happier than I am with Seth. I just wish I knew already.

The second thing I've been dwelling on is an ongoing thing. There is a person in my life whom I love very much and I know he loves me. However, this person seems to appreciate long-distance, superficial relationships to more conventional relationships. It's been like this for years, but as my life has changed so much, I guess I was sort of hoping for more. I was hoping he would make it to my wedding, or at least answer my calls that weekend. I was hoping he would want to know about my son, or at least say his name....just once.

I decided a long time ago that our relationship was up to me. If I wanted him in my life, I was going to have to accept him for who he is and not expect him to change. And I've been patient and mostly satisfied with our arrangement. Then he canceled our visit the last time I was back home. When I had a layover in his city, he forgot the time and made it just as I was boarding. I appreciate the great effort it took to rush to the city and push his way through security to see me, but what do you say in five minutes? "It's good to see you. How are things?" Keep it neutral, keep it distant. But this time was going to be different: I made plans to visit and he offered to let Seth and I stay at his house. Maybe things would change. But once the plans were settled, he seemed to forget the previous conversation and said, "Things change." No they don't; things stay just the same.

Why do I keep hoping? I don't know. I know he's a good person in his own way and I don't want to lose him. Unfortunately, it's just not a normal relationship. I stick to it, because I think he needs me. He doesn't have normal relationships with anyone and who's going to be there in the end? It will be me, because I won't give up on him. As much as this upsets me, it also gets me thinking of all the wonderful people God put in my life. He knew that I would have some difficult relationships, so He gave me other people to fill that void. They don't replace other people, but they offer what's missing. I can never say that I'm alone or that I feel unloved, because it's not possible. I am blessed with so many people who love me and I love them, even those who want to keep it superficial.

On a side note, Seth did not have Roseola. He had a common cold, which Michael and I then caught. We all spent the Labor Day weekend recovering. But before Michael and I got sick, my mom babysat Seth so that we could go to the movies on Michael's birthday. His birthday wish of seeing Harry Potter trumped my boycott, so we saw it. It was, of course, awesome, and I can't wait for it to be released on DVD. Not only was it a present for Michael, but I really enjoyed myself, too....more than I thought I would. Married couples need dates, too; they keep things fresh and exciting. We're still young, and every now and then we need to remember that!

Down With the Sickness

Seth was up and down last night with a slight fever and a major case of the sniffles. Michael and I finally took him out of his crib at 5:30, because it was clear he was up for good. The poor little man's eyes were a little puffy and red, he was still oozing snot, was too warm for having the fan on, and just didn't seem like his normal self. Michael and I chalked it up to allergies since everyone is getting hit with them.

I called the doctor's office as soon as they opened, and after being put on hold for 32 minutes, the nurse agreed that his symptoms sounded like allergies and to give him 1 tsp of Children's Benadryl. Now, the box says not to give it to children under the age of six and at that age they would get 1 tsp. So, I called the doctor back before buying the medicine. She assured me it was ok and that was the recommended dosage. Naturally I texted my bff, DR.(!) Bryan Dodd, to verify what she said and he told me that I should give Seth 12.5 mg. Now mg cannot be converted into tsp without some fancy formula. So, needless to say after googling quite a bit and doing much more math than I have in a long time, I found that 12.5 mg of Children's Benadryl is 1 tsp! (I know that was incredibly boring, but it took a lot of effort on my part.)

So, I gave Seth his medicine and his snack and he went to sleep. He dozed off and on for a while before he woke up crying. When I picked him up he felt even hotter, so I took his temperature, which he is not fond of. He had a fever of 102.4. I called the doctor and got an appointment for that afternoon. I took him in, we waited. They weighed him, we waited. The doctor saw him, we waited. The nurse took swabs of his throat and nose to check for flu and strep, we waited and waited. And finally the doctor came back and said he showed negative for both and that he probably has Roseola.

Roseola lasts for several days with the first three to four days averaging a high fever and leaving the patient contagious. Once the fever declines, he will develop a rash that will spread to his whole body and may or may not itch. At this point, he is no longer contagious (but who really wants to bring them out looking like that?!). So it looks like Seth and I will be homebound for the next week or so.

My poor baby barely cried or fussed all day, which is so unusual for him. He was mosty just zoned out and clung to me like a little monkey. It's odd to miss crying and fussing when normally you pray for quiet days like today. But I know why he's quiet and it makes me so miserable for him. I put him to bed an hour early, hoping that he can catch up on the sleep he missed last night and maybe sleep this thing off.

It's times like this that I wish Michael were home with me. It's not that I can't handle it, it's just sort of heartbreaking when your baby gets sick for the first time and you can't do anything about it. Which got me thinking....

The next four years are really going to suck in a way. As it is, Michael works a normal job, but then brings work home regularly. Sure, he usually tries to do it after I've gone to bed, but I usually end up going to bed early so that he doesn't have to stay up too late working on it. We don't spend the time together that I wish we could. Not that we aren't fortunate, because we do get to see each other a lot more than other couples do; I'm just selfish. But anyway, Michael's semester started this past Saturday. He has classes on Wednesday and Friday nights and Saturday mornings. We signed up for small groups: his is on Tuesday nights, mine is on Thursday nights. That leaves Monday, Saturday, and Sunday nights open for me. But where does homework fit in? Right, so that leaves some time for me. Some is still better than none, but not as good as a lot. And so this is roughly how the next four years will go.

The situation makes a lot of questions. If we were to have another child, when would we? Michael wouldn't be able to be involved until he/she was a toddler unless he postponed school more, which postpones school more. How can I plan for special father/son time when there's barely any time? I'm lonely now; how am I going to feel next semester? Year? Presidential term? It makes me miss my friends. I'm very grateful I have my family here, because they really are some of my closest friends. (I mean, who else is more easily manipulated to go garage-saleing, grab lunch, or have game nights?!) But I really hope that I make some friends closer to my age who may be experiencing similar things. Anyway, that was a lot of random thoughts thrown together, but that's how my mind works: point A to G to V to 2.

How do I get from a blog about my poor little angel getting sick to feeling sorry for myself? It comes naturally - I'm selfish and self-pitying and I have another 1 1/2 hours until my husband comes home. Blah...

10 Months Old

These are Seth's latest pictures, spanning from 45 weeks to 47 weeks. I haven't been keeping up with his achievements obviously, but here is a quick run down. (Don't mind the red-eye; my program has stopped clearing up red eyes for some reason.)

1. Seth is completely off the pacifier. As it turns out, it was more for us than him anyway. He didn't even realize when we took it away. Now we just have to find other ways to distract him when he's fussing.

2. He is standing while holding on to furniture. He doesn't actually seem to want to walk yet, but he'll take a few steps if he has to. And he definitely will if he sees a phone or remote control within reach.

3. Seth is no longer pacified with a toy while shopping. He wants to touch EVERYTHING! I wonder who he could have inherited that from? Hmm.....

4. He is mobile and quick! I can put something in the sink and come right back and he's on the other side of the room or halfway to finding me!

5. Seth's favorite game to play is catch. He does not care if it is with someone or by himself. As long as something is moving and he can go get it, he loves it.

6. He is wearing pajamas! Ok, I know that's really not an achievement, but did you see how cute he looked in them?!

7. Seth is still not talking, but he does jabber a lot.

8. He did love Wheel of Fortune for about a week, then that phase passed. It's too bad, too; it comes on during his fussy time right before bed. He will watch a few minutes of Little Einsteins, but mainly just during the intro. He loves music - which is great, because we listen to it all day.

9. Seth loves to eat! That's nothing new, but he's getting much better at feeding himself snacks. He's getting to the point now where he wants to hold the spoon during mealtime. Oy! That's going to be a mess when I have to give in.

10. He just gets cuter every day!

Give Praise Everyday - Everyday!

Obviously I'm not keeping up on this blog, but it's partly out of laziness, partly because we're working on Seth's room in the evenings, and partly because you all know what's going on with Seth already. So, I'm probably just going to post when I'm inspired. Well, today I was inspired! (Don't worry, no politics involved)

As most of you know, Michael is returning to school this semester. We've been discussing how we can trim our budget so that we can afford tuition, fees, and books. Well, I don't know why I did it, but I let that little demon called Fear into my heart. Money is tight at the moment and I didn't know what we were going to do; I didn't know what I could do to help this situation. I tried donating plasma, but apparently my veins are too small and "would collapse." I looked for jobs, but none work with my staying home with Seth and Michael going to school in the evenings. Fear crept deeper into my heart. I almost suggested to Michael that he drop a class. Why was I so stupid? I never, NEVER worry about money; everything I've ever desired has been given to me. So, I prayed about it - something I should have done from the beginning.

Well, wouldn't you know that once you have faith, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! First we found that Michael was eligible for a Pell Grant that would cover most of his tuition and fees. That still left $300+ for books. Where was I going to find that in the next few weeks? I signed on to Michael's account this morning to make sure his paperwork was proceeding like it should be. Obviously we're anxious about his grant going through. Well, right there on the sign-in page is a bold statement: "Sign up for weekend classes and receive half off tuition." It may as well have said, "Kristin, have faith and it will be done." The difference between his old class and his new weekend class covers the majority of the cost of his books. So what we're going to have to pay is just a small percentage of the original cost.

It's moments like these that bring me to tears. What a fool I was to worry about such worldly things as money. Not only has God given me all that I require, but He's always given me all that I desire! With all the things going on the world, He cares about the trivial things in our lives, because He knows that trivial or not, they affect us. And although I don't deserve it at all, my Lord looked into my heart, heard my prayers, and said, "Yes, I will carry you through this, too." How can words possibly describe how very fortunate I am?! I am healthy, I am rich with so many blessings, and I am saved! I never should have doubted, and now I sit here, humbled once again, that God loves me so much. I know I don't deserve it, but I am so thankful, so incredibly thankful, that He does.

Here I Go A-Pondering...

Well, I've changed my mind about not blogging. My main forums of keeping in touch with friends and family have been through Myspace and Facebook. However, Michael seems to think that those sites are the primary causes of computer viruses, so I'm trying to avoid them...well, Myspace, at least. So I guess that means that I'll have to keep our blog up for an extra means of communication.

Today's post isn't about any one thing in particular. It's more or less a summary of the past few weeks' thoughts and moments.

To begin with, the church we've been attending, Sevier Heights, had a special guest speaker today - you guessed it, Kirk Cameron! I thought that was pretty cool myself. He conducted a marriage seminar at the church yesterday, but Michael and I weren't able to go. So you can imagine my surprise when he was the guest speaker this morning. He had some pretty insightful points, some of which really applied to myself and my life. He discussed marriage, witnessing, and being PC in today's world.

One of the things he mentioned that stood out in my mind was when people say, "I was xx old when I found God." Kirk quoted that we don't find God, that God finds us. Well, I understand what he was trying to say, but I prefer to think of it in a different way. We don't find God and God doesn't find us. To say that God finds us implies that He didn't know us or wasn't watching out for us for a time. And as we all know, we are always in God's sight and He is always watching and always waiting for us. He knows every hair on our head and knows every thought in our mind. I think a more accurate statement isn't that we found God or that God found us, but that we finally answered His call. He's been pleading for our hearts from the time we were born; it was our own ignorance, our own stubborness, our own pridefulness that kept us from hearing his knock.

Kirk also talked about being PC in today's society. I try to be sensitive to people's feelings and use correct terminology. And I definitely don't want to seem like I'm pushing my beliefs on anyone. When views are pushed on someone, it seems to drive them away. I prefer discussions as a way of witnessing. Unfortunately, I'm very ignorant to Biblical history and theology in general, through no fault but my own. I really need to study and sink my heart into the Word. But I also feel that God speaks to you every day and you can learn so much through that.

One point in particular that has become a recent discussion for me is homosexuality. Now this is not a political forum, so I'll keep it short. I have several friends and family members who identify as being gay. From a Christian standpoint, I naturally disagree with the lifestyle in the same way that I disagree with other sinful lifestyles. However, the point I want to make is that I refuse to judge these people. In God's eyes, sin is sin. Every sin is hurtful to Him and disregards the laws that He gave to us. I sin constantly, and if it weren't for God's forgiving nature and His Son's sacrifice, I would be headed towards the worst future. Thankfully I was raised in a Christian-oriented environment and was able to hear the Good News growing up. I've been forgiven, just as we all will be if we just humble ourselves enough to ask for it.

I'm not perfect - I am, in fact, a sinner, in need of constant redirection. I am proud. I've chosen to stay in bed instead of worshiping my Lord (idolatry). I've worked on the Sabbath...many times. I've fought with my parents and I've hurt them. If hating is murder, I am a murderer, because I have hated in the past. Lies...I've told a lot of lies. And every time, every horrible time I did these things, I hurt my God, my Savior. How vain would I be if I thought that the sins of a non-believer, who does not know God's Word and Law, were worse than mine, a Christian, who knows the Law and decidedly breaks them time and time again? Truly, I am below them and have no right to judge. And finally, one last thought of mine. There has been argument about whether or not individuals who consider themselves gay should be allowed to join a church. This is a tricky question. The point I'd like to make is that we don't screen potential members to see if they're adulterers, alcoholics, pornography addicts, thieves, liars, blasphemers, gamblers, abusers, or any other sinful type of person. If we did, I'm fairly certain the sanctuaries would be empty, because again, we're all sinners. The difference in this situation is that homosexual church members may not hide their sins like the rest of us. Their sin is fairly obvious, if they choose it to be. Now I don't know if this lifestyle is chosen or ingrained in their psyche. Most Christians seem to believe that it's chosen, and if that is true, what better place is there for love and support to make spiritual decisions than within the church? I don't know, I guess I'm rambling, but this is something I've been thinking about lately. I know the people who read this blog will probably disagree with most of what I have to say, but it's how I feel, and I'm thankful that God has given me the gifts of sympathy and empathy. I'm also so thankful that He reminds me of the woman He wants me to be, nay, expects me to be, and that He tells me to keep raising the bar for myself. I can always be better and He knows it. I just need to believe it and keep striving for that.

On a side note, there will be an update on Seth soon. He's changing so much!

Hiatus

Well, I finally hooked up my old computer and am able to access the internet again. After not having it for a few weeks, I came to the conclusion that I really don't need it that much. In fact, I think I'm going to try to focus on "more important" things, find new interests, and discover some hidden talent. Or maybe I'll just waste time with something else. Whatever comes of this, I've decided I'm not going to blog for a while. Maybe I'll pick it back up sometime, maybe not. It just seems sort of silly to write posts when everyone already knows the buzz on Seth before I get the chance to write it. So, sianara!

Insecurities

Most of you probably know this already, but our house got broken into on Wednesday. Seth and I left early to go grocery shopping and Michael left soon after us. I was gone just over an hour. When we got back it was already time for Seth's nap, so I went straight into our room, laid him down, and closed the door. I was about to unpack the groceries from the car when I stepped on a piece of glass. I had the curtains closed and the lights off, so I didn't notice the huge pieces of glass in the sink and on the counter until I had already dialed Michael. I was going to yell at him for not cleaning up his mess when I suddenly saw the glass. I pulled the blinds to the side and there was a big gaping hole. As he answered it hit me and the heavy feeling in my stomach hit - someone broke in and I had just left Seth alone in the bedroom with the door closed! I told Michael someone broke in and I needed him home now. I got Seth, ran out the door and into my car,and called the police. I told them I was parking in the lot across the street. After 30 minutes of talking to dispatch and waiting for an officer to arrive, I asked if I could get off the phone. I called my ex-partner and told her the situation. Miraculously, even though all of the officers in my area were busy while I was talking to dispatch, once she called an officer arrived within minutes. Obviously the burglar was long gone when he did his walk-through.

We then had to wait for another 2 1/2 hours before the crime lab came. They didn't seem too thrilled about looking for prints and nearly didn't bother, telling Michael "It will just make more of a mess of your house than it's worth." Does no one care about justice anymore?! This guy stole from us and took away our feeling of safety!

After looking around, we discovered that he took the laptop (with ALL of my pictures of Seth), the Xbox, several Xbox accessories and a borrowed game, my anniversary ring (which I hadn't even worn yet), a jar of change, and the rest of Becca's birthday present - a bag of desk accessories for the desk we bought her. Our back screen is useless now, and is unfortunately an unusual size, so we've yet to get a door to replace it. We have to special order one. Our adjuster "won't be in Knoxville until Tuesday,"(6 days after the break-in) and the adjuster in charge of our theft "might get to our case next week."

So here some scumbag breaks into our house and probably sells our belongings for a few lousy bucks, meanwhile we're out $500 for the deductable, plus the difference in cost for making our house safe again, plus the cost of getting a security system, and who knows what else, and he walks free because he's just not worth the trouble of finding. Oh yeah, the investigation department didn't answer their phone Thursday or today so I had to leave messages, they're off on the weekends, so I may get to report what was stolen on Monday at the earliest. It just sickens me that everyone is so lax on crime and making neighborhoods safe. So Michael and I have decided that we're going to start a Neighborhood Watch. I'm not particularly fond of public speaking or leading people, but somebody has to do it. We're a vulnerable neighborhood full of elderly people, mothers with small children, and people with disabilities. This isn't a bad neighborhood and I'm certainly not going to stand by and let it become one.

Milestones

It's been a while since I posted a blog about Seth, but a lot has been happening. The most important thing is Seth's sleeping habits. He sleeps wonderfully through the night now. He goes to bed at 8:00 and may wake up a couple of times, but he doesn't cry anymore. He wriggles around until he gets comfortable again and goes right back to sleep. And, get this, he sleeps until 6:00! Boy do I love that! I can't tell you how much of a difference it's made; I'm so much happier. Naptime is still a bit of a struggle. He typically sleeps about 20 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes in the afternoon. It's not great, but I'm thankful for it.

The next big development is Seth's teeth. He has two beautiful teeth poking through on the bottom, one that just cut through on the top and he's working on his other top tooth. It's so amazing to see the changes from day to day, and he loves showing you, so long as you don't touch!

On to more exciting news - Seth is crawling! He started off pulling himself along with his arms and sort of kicking off with his left leg, but now he's actually picking his knees up. It's fun seeing him put on his determined face and crawl across the frontroom to his toy. I cherish it now, because I know in a few more weeks he'll be driving me nuts while getting into everything.

Seth's personality is becoming more defined, too. He's generally a happier baby now. He smiles all the time and laughs a lot. This is especially true during mealtime and anytime he drinks water from my glass. However, he's also getting more stubborn and "voices" his opinion more. If you tell him no or tap his hand, he'll scream. He does not like to be limited at all. I'm definitely going to have some stand-offs with this boy!

Outside of Seth's changes not a lot has been happening. I've been enjoying my bi-monthly outings of garage-saleing with my aunt while Seth and Daddy play at home. We had game night last night, which is always fun. A few weeks ago we also went to Dollywood (minus Seth) with Michael's parents. His stepmom is fearless and wanted to ride all of the rollercoasters. I should have trusted my instincts and "just said no," but I gave in to the peer pressure and rode one. Let me tell you, it was HORRIBLE! I would rather do nearly anything than ride a rollercoaster again. I'll leave them to brave people who don't know what real fun is (Boardgames are equally safe and fun!).

Thankful Doesn't Even Begin to Describe It

This post doesn't have anything to do with Seth; it's about some things I've been thinking about lately and felt like sharing. Since I can remember, I've always tried to think of one thing I'm thankful for each and every day. As fortunate as I am, I could probably think of something new every day, but there are several that always come to mind. Of course, the first is that I am so very lucky to have been born in a country that allows me to practice my religion of choice. Many others cannot say the same and I am humbled by those that are brave enough to go oppose their government to practice it anyway. Would I do the same if I were in their situation? I certainly hope so, but pray that that day will not come for many, many years.

I'm also very grateful for our freedoms in this country (which we wouldn't have if it weren't for our troops!). Unfortunately, the United States courts have made some very poor rulings in the past which I believe surpassed the rights of freedom and became crimes themselves. The one that I've been dwelling over lately is the woman's "right to choose" aka infanticide. President Obama has "softened" on his decision of abortion and late-term abortion in the hopes of coming to a compromise. As a friend of mine commented, "What are we going to do in this compromise, half-kill the babies or kill just half the babies?" Because it's really that simple - killing is killing, there is no compromise and what a stupid thing to say. So I have a proposition for President Obama:

The average time spent on death row for a person who has committed a violent crime is anywhere between 10 and 20 years. Then, of course, they get their time in court to defend themselves, using an attorney usually paid for with our tax dollars. So, why then is an INNOCENT baby (fetus for those who use Obama-speak) allowed weeks or maybe months to live before it is violently killed? Let's give them at least the same benefit that criminals get, 10 - 20 years, to see if there isn't someone in this world that may love them and want to keep them in their lives. Maybe the parents don't want it, but there are many out there with big enough hearts to love a baby who is not their own. Maybe it will have a birth defect of some sort, but aren't we all "disabled" in some way, shape or form? And who made us so perfect that we know who will be a valuable person to this world and who won't?

There are some who say abortion isn't murder, because the baby hasn't breathed air yet. But can a mother honestly say her baby isn't "alive" when she can feel it move inside her, kick her, hiccup in her? Can she honestly say it doesn't have feelings when loud noises startle it and it jumps or the simple fact that when the baby is born, that it feels comforted when it is put back into the conditions of the womb where it felt safe? How can anyone look at this picture and not believe these things? So let's give them their time to live and defend themselves the same as we do for criminals. It's sad that this country gives more thought to defend and protect those who harm others than to our own babies.

The second, and last point I'll ramble about today, is all this complaining about the recession. I'm not arguing that it isn't here. Many, many people are out of jobs and are feeling the pressure that it brings. However, it's not nearly as bad as what it could be. Ask people from two generations ago what the Great Depression was like. People were literally starving, not just missing a meal. Soup kitchens and bread lines were a way of life, of survival. Shoes were a luxury. If you wore them out, you lined them with cardboard or newspaper. People wasted away with little hope that things would improve.

One generation ago - many people still struggled. Some people are embarrassed that their backrounds are full of "blue-collared people," but I couldn't be more proud. I look at my parents and their siblings and see what lives they've made for themselves. Their standard of living has improved greatly. For some time, my mother and her family lived on one meal a day - pinto beans and potatoes. They didn't even have real dishes to eat them off of when they were young. School wasn't nearly as important as making money, which they all started early on. Chicago was a fortunate place for finding work if you didn't mind working hard. They stood out in the cold, heat, and rain selling flowers or picking up whatever other odd jobs they could. They helped pay rent and bought their own belongings - not fancy toys, but hygiene items and other necessities that we take for granted. My mom eventually worked two jobs just to make her half of the bills when she moved out.

Then there's my dad. He won't talk about his childhood, but I'm very proud of what he did. He was one of those naturally popular guys in high school, a freshman who made Varsity football and who all the girls adored. But when his parents were having too much trouble making ends meet, he got a night job in a factory until he couldn't juggle it and school anymore. He dropped out when he was just a sophomore and began his career in construction. I can tell you just from observing, construction is not an easy field and it's not something that any bum off the street can do. It's a skill and a very fickle field. It's not uncommon to be laid off for three to four months out of the year. But my dad did it, taking on many injuries that will probably never heal.

Then I was born and my parents, young and naive, learned that life could be even more difficult. I was a financial burden (as all babies are at first), my mom developed her blood disease, and my dad was laid off. My dad did everything he could to make money and my mom scrimped and saved just to live day by day. It got so bad at one point they had to sell off their furniture to ensure I had food, even if they didn't. My parents didn't graduate high school and they certainly aren't rich, but they made it through the rough times, mostly unscathed, not by relying on the government and handouts, but by pure grit and by coming together as a family. Now that is awesome and something to be proud of.

People today are complaining because they can't take their annual vacation or because they have to cut down on eating out or maybe even so much as cutting down their cable package. Of course, I'm being somewhat sarcastic. There are people who are suffering and I hope that they can get back on their feet and surely deserve some help. However, we can't look to President Obama to save us all. He's already spent enough that our children will not ever earn their Social Security and we can only hope that our grandchildren may. I guess what I'm really saying on this subject is that if we pull together we won't need to cry out for government aid. Help a family member, a friend, a neighbor, a stranger for that matter. It's how our country was founded and it's how it should be. We're much stronger than we know, and I know this because He will never give us more than we can bear. So get some grit, People!

Say Ahhhhhh!

While Seth and I were playing today he started to chew on my finger like normal, except that it wasn't! I felt something a little sharp and checked to make sure he didn't have anything in his mouth. He did - and does! My little boy cut his first tooth! Ok, it's just the tip and you can see just a bit of it, but I'm super excited! My baby's growing up!

We Be Swingin' in the Spring(in')!

It's kind of difficult to keep up with these blog posts. Most day-to-day things would be boring to anyone but Michael and I, so I don't bother writing about them. Then it takes me several weeks to get anything to write about, and lately they just haven't been super thrilling things. So basically I have a few weeks of things to add to this post.

I'll start with Seth's picture. This was Seth's first time going to the park! I put him on the swing, but he didn't seem interested or disinterested in it. He looked around, but seemed sort of bored, so we mostly just walked around. He was content with this and we walked four laps before it started to get too hot for him and we went home.

The hat he's wearing is from Dollywood, where we went the week before. He has such a small head that no hat seems to fit him! This one is an infant hat and it fits his head great, but the earflaps don't cover his ears, so I think I'm just going to cut them out. Anyway, we weren't sure what to expect bringing Seth to Dollywood, but he surprised us and did really well. Sure, he fussed a bit, but he usually does more than that at home, so we were pleasantly surprised. It wasn't the most fun trip for Michael and I because we obviously couldn't ride rides together, but it was a fun experience nevertheless.

As far as Seth's accomplishments go, he's been in a "fine tuning" stage for a while - nothing really new, but improving on what he's already done. For example, he's been rolling for a while, but now instead of rolling from his back to his stomach, he rolls across the livingroom! And now when he kisses you, you don't end up with a ton of slobber on your cheek, just a sweet little kiss. He's doing better with eating and seems to really enjoy it now. His menu includes: peas, green beans, sweet potatoes, pears, apples, bananas, and, of course, oatmeal. I make his food, which is really easy, and it saves a surprising amount of money. I can't believe Gerber rips people off like that!

Seth's sleeping is still a bit of an issue. On a good day I can get him to take an hour nap in the morning and a half hour in the afternoon. He wakes up during that hour, but is fairly easy to get back to sleep. I've stopped stressing over how he should sleep. I'm not looking up baby advice on the internet or in books and I'm not asking people's advice. I was letting it get to me too much and that shouldn't be the focus of my whole day. Maybe he just doesn't need to sleep much. So, I count myself lucky that I get what I can get. It now allows me to take a shower and do a couple of quick chores. Hopefully he'll realize sleep is a good thing as he gets older and will extend his nap periods, but for now I'm thankful for those 90 minutes.

Our Little "Jigger"

Not much has happened over the last two weeks. Michael and I both got sick and it really wore us out. Thankfully Seth didn't get it and has been his usual cute self. He's holding his own bottle and is becoming more independent in putting his paci back in his mouth himself. I bought him a Jumpin' Johnny at the Duck Duck Goose sale and he did not care for it at all at first, but now he really seems to be enjoying it. Here's a video of Seth doing his version of an Irish jig (I know it's sideways, but it won't let me fix it - live and learn!).

This Sunday is Easter and I'm looking forward to seeing Becca again. Unfortunately, I have to miss Michael's family's dinner because it's so close to my mom's dinner time. She's hosting this year and I offered to help, but I'm sending my big and little man to visit and they'll just meet up with us later.

I also found a job this week. It's in the evenings, mostly when Seth is sleeping, so I won't miss much time with him. Michael will be putting him to bed a few nights a week now and hopefully they'll have good Daddy-Son time. I was just so bored staying home all the time, I needed something to feel productive, but I didn't want to work full time and miss out on Seth growing up. I looked for part-time evening jobs, which of course are limited, and got lucky with the movie theater. It's low pay, but it's convenient, should be fun, and will give me interaction with other people. As it is, my main company is Seth (although a good listener, not so much on chatting back) and Michael (who can be quiet and often brings work home). My first day is tomorrow evening and I'm hoping it will go well. It seems odd that they would start me on a Friday night, presumably the busiest night of the week, but we'll see how it goes. Anyway, that's it for now! Happy Easter!

Happy Half-Birthday!

I've been putting off adding this latest blog because I'm still waiting on a few pictures of Seth. However, I suppose I can always add them later. I also took Becca to get pictures taken for her "8th grade graduation." Ok, maybe that was just an excuse to get her pictures taken, but she probably wouldn't have agreed if I had said it was just for fun. This way she actually was excited and decided to dress up. Now that's a first!

Seth is doing well following his vaccinations. He had a slight fever for four days, but stayed in a pretty good mood. He's started something new this past week that I want to share. Now I know it's probably wishful thinking, but I'm going to go with it. I think Seth is kissing now! Michael and I kiss him all the time and I think he's picked up on it. He'll grab my face with both of his little hands and pull it towards him and plant a big wet smooch on my cheek! And sometimes he'll pull my face towards him and turn his head so my lips touch his cheek! I know he's probably just exploring, but I love it! It's so sweet. He's also taken to sucking on my chin, which isn't as sweet as it is yucky, but I love him and let him do it. I'm sure he's learning something from it - at least I hope so.

Michael is still being great and we're taking turns sleeping on the couch so that we can each have a restful night every other night. We're putting Seth down to sleep without his swaddling now, which means he wakes up several times a night to several times an hour, depending on how fidgety he is. Last night he did well for me and slept from 8:00 until 3:45 and then stayed up, but at least I got four hours of straight sleep! I hope he does as well for Michael tonight.

That's about it, other than my many grumblings regarding our Celebrident, but most of you hear enough of that, so I won't bother in here - at least for today.

Oh yeah, Spring is here! Yay!

Catching Up

It's been over a month since my last post. We've jumped from Valentine's Day to St. Patrick's Day! But this time I actually have a good excuse for why I haven't kept my promise of updating Seth's life. Our computer got a virus about a month ago that essentially locked it up and then Michael had to reformat it. Unfortunately it's not back to 100% and I'm stuck using the Xbox connection and doing this on the floor! It's a pain (literally), but I need to fill this blog in with some exciting new details.

As you can see, Seth can now roll over! About two weeks ago all the practicing paid off and he decided he wanted to do it on his own. The video is actually his third time doing it. Since then he has been rolling over just about every time we lay him down. It's actually a chore to keep him on his back long enough to change his diaper. He's actually rolled from back to tummy to back a few times, too.

Seth has also discovered the range of his voice. Every morning we wake up to the chattering of our little monkey squealing, squeaking, and cooing. He's very happy during that 5:00 hour (thank goodness for that time change - it was 4:00 hour)!

Other news: he likes to really grab a hold of things now, especially hair and glasses; he likes his exersaucer and is starting to stand well in it; he likes to sit outside and watch the cars go by; he loves to be tickled; EVERYTHING goes in his mouth (but mostly my fingers for some reason); and he is getting to be a tall boy (6-9 months fit him in length, but just barely).

This blog, though overdue, is short because I'm tired and uncomfortable. Michael, my wonderful husband, has been helping with this the last three nights by allowing me to sleep on the couch while he stays in our room with Seth. Seth has a habit of fussing/waking up frequently through the night and, as a mother, I hear each and every sound. Needless to say, the last six months have been full of interrupted sleeping and I have been in a perpetual state of exhaustion/zombie mode. Michael, as a father, can sleep through all of Seth's fussing/waking so he came up with this idea for a break for me. It's working, because I'm sleeping wonderfully! Every morning I feel a little bit better! I'm hoping that I'll be immune to Seth's fussing when I go back in there so that I can know the feeling of rest again.

Anyway, I'll hopefully be posting another blog soon. Seth gets his six month pictures taken on Thursday and his check up on Friday, so I should have some interesting news to tell.

Mommy's Little Valentine

I've had a lot of great Valentine's days, but none beats this one. Not only do I have one great man to share it with, but I now have two! In actuality I really had three because I got to see my uncle, as well.

Seth is doing great. He's eating baby food well now and he really likes peas! Good for him, because I'm not too big into veggies. We're going to try green beans on Tuesday. This little experiment with food is going to be a fun one. I love watching his expressions when he tries something new. I have the sneaking suspicion that he will like most foods.

Tummy time has become a bit more interesting lately. Seth still doesn't move his arms or roll over on his own, but if he has something solid by his feet, he'll push himself off and can move between six and eight inches. He also likes to reach out for things more now, mainly the wipes box (it's bright red).

Seth has been fairly fussy this past week or so, which at first I attributed to his vaccinations, but that time has come and gone. Then he was keeping a slight fever, and I thought that may be the reason. Michael and I now think that he's teething even though he doesn't seem to be too sensitive about his mouth yet. So who knows, maybe we'll see a tooth soon.

Other than that, not much has been going on. When he's happy, Seth can crack me up with his giggles. This is the first picture I was able to take that captured one of his happy moments. In most of his other pictures he's so serious, but he really does laugh and smile a lot - I'm just not fast enough to catch him.

Bibs, Bottles, and Baby Food

This Saturday Seth will be 20 weeks old; I can't believe it! When I was 20 weeks pregnant we were just finding out he was a boy!

Not a whole lot has changed in the past few weeks. Seth has progressed in some areas, stayed the same in others. He coos a lot more and when I tickle him he actually giggles for a few seconds rather than one little giggle. We practice every day with tummy-time, rolling over, and sitting up. He hasn't quite figured out how to position or move his arms during tummy-time, so I have to prop his arms correctly. He will roll onto his side for rolling, but won't go all the way over. So, I roll him over, too! Now sitting he seems to be doing pretty well with on his own. He sits in the Bumbo and in my lap and doesn't usually need much support except for his lower back.

Sleeping is still an issue, although I'm sure it will be until he's a teenager! Then I'll never be able to wake him up. He'll go for a night or two sleeping really well and only waking up a few times. But then other nights he'll wake up once an hour or more. Now he will go right back to sleep once I give him his pacifier, so that's a blessing. I feel bad because we're kind of in a tight spot. Seth can't go to sleep without being swaddled. We've tried it and he will rub his eyes and face constantly (which he always does when he's tired) until he starts crying and screaming. When he's swaddled, he'll fall asleep within five minutes or so. What's funny is that throughout the night he wakes up and he'll somehow manage to pull an arm, or both, up out of the blanket so that he can touch his face or suck on it. So, Seth needs to be able to soothe himself back to sleep when he awakens, however, he also needs to be wrapped up to prevent himself from keeping himself awake. I'm not really sure what to do with that just yet, but since he is improving, I'm not going to worry about it. His naps are a different issue. He'll usually do alright during his morning nap. Sometimes he'll only wake up twice, other times he'll wake up every 15 - 20 minutes. His afternoon nap is always much more difficult. If he's going to cry while going down, it's during this nap. And he never sleeps for more than 15 minutes at a time. Today I gave up after the eighth time of going in there in less than 40 minutes. I'd rather him get his rest in my arms than not get it at all. It's absolutely amazing how well he sleeps in my arms. He doesn't stir, touch his face, or wake up. He slept for an hour and a half in my arms and I actually had to wake him up three times before he would stay awake.

We did have a slight set back on his sleeping due to his four month vaccinations. He didn't fare as well this time with them. All the first and second day he kept a fever of 101 despite the Tylenol. He was pretty miserable then, so I let him sleep as much as he wanted. Well, it took us the rest of the week to get back on track after that.

One more fun bit o' news is that Seth is starting to eat baby oatmeal. Tomorrow will be his sixth day trying it and he's been improving every day. He went from screaming and not wanting anything to do with it to actually trying to eat it today, although he's still confused as to what to do with his tongue. I added just a little drop of apple sauce to the oatmeal and that really excited him. He actually cried when it was all gone. He's only eating about a teaspoon and a half right now until he gets the hang of it. Then we're supposed to move on to spinach, peas, and green beans. The doctor recommends him starting on green vegetables to help with his constipation so he won't have to rely on the prune juice every day. We're also cutting back on his formula. At his three month check up the doctor told me to start giving Seth seven ounce bottles because he was so small. I told him I thought that was too big of a jump because we had just been doing good with the five ounces, but he insisted that Seth needed to gain weight. Well, he certainly did - nearly four pounds in a month! So this doctor says we need to cut back and start adding in baby food so that he'll balance out at his next check up. I guess I was actually right, go figure!

Anyway, that's about all I have. It's a lot of rambling to say a few things, but at least it looks like I'm making up for the missed blog.

The Letters That Won't Be Delivered

Where to begin? I guess first I'd like to write that this blog entry isn't really for anyone except myself. These are thoughts that have been going through my head and sometimes I think best when I see my thoughts written down.

Today is supposed to be a monumental occasion due to the inauguration of our new president. Now, I have not kept it secret that I did not vote for Obama or that I was extremely disappointed about his election. Not much has changed in that area; I'd much rather have a different president. I'm not a "strictly Republican girl" and I'm not a radical that believes Obama is the Antichrist, either. I'm just a girl who wants some proof - proof that America's faith was put into the right person.

So, if I were to actually write out my feelings to the people I've been thinking about, this is roughly how it would go.

Dear President Obama,

I will be praying for you, as you become our new president, that you will make wise decisions for our country and lead us into peaceful times. I may not agree with all that you do, but I will do my best to support you. You have a lot of pressure on you as our first African-American president and I hope that you are up for the challenge. I pray that you will not always be known as our "First Black President," but that you will one day be known as a man who did great things. Your genetics are not of your control, but your actions are. Please don't try to be "a savior," but be satisfied being a righteous man. I pray that you not only seek counsel from your peers, but from The Counsellor, as He will guide you without fail.

Dear President Bush,

As you leave your term as president, I would like to extend my deepest gratitude for all you have done. No one can understand the stress you have gone through as you have deliberated our country's path. You gave up your privacy, your personal life, and your pride to become a servant to the people - and with little thanks given for it. You had many challenges brought to you during your terms and you rose to each occasion rather than shying away. I thank you for making decisions I may not have been able to make, had I been in your position. Thank you for your loyalty and faith in us as a country.

Dear Troops,

Although today everyone is focused on the inauguration of our newest president and the departure of our last president, I would like to focus on you for a minute. It is imperative to our country to have a strong leader; however it is not that leader that makes our country strong. It is men and women, like yourselves, that make this country what it is and worthy of being known as a superpower. Our president is one person reflecting the needs of our country. You are the answer to those needs. Without your courage, selflessness, and honor, we would surely fall. Thank you for all that you do, for all that you've given up, and for the wonderful heroes you are.

So today I am committing myself to my president in the hopes that he will prove my doubts wrong and be a wonderful leader. I don't know him as a person, only the stances he has taken, and some of those are very different from my own. He may be a nice man, but he has some ideas that need to change. I know that there have been many people who have gone from being horrible human beings to very Christ-centered people. With prayer, perhaps Obama will also reconsider his ideas and be led onto a different path.

It's Not All It's Cracked Up to Be

First, let me begin that I love being a mom. Seth really is the biggest blessing I've ever had. He is a very sweet and cute baby that warms my heart, brings tears of joy to my eyes, and makes me smile every day.

However...
today was not one of those days.

Normally when you talk to a mother, she'll tell you how wonderful her child is. Of course no mother wants to let on that her child has a bad day now and then and especially not a series of bad days. Well, I'm not going to be that mother! Seth has bad days, sometimes really bad days, sometimes several really bad days. If any woman says her child does not, she's a liar. For those of you who read this that are planning on having children or are expecting - expect bad days!

I'm not saying Seth is a bad baby. In fact, he's much better than I deserve. But when he does have a bad day, it's all day and nothing will satisfy him. And it's not whimpering cries, it's full out screaming cries, where he turns red and overheats and I have to strip him down to just his diaper. Fortunately for me, this doesn't happen often, but when it does it really stresses me out. Today I seriously considered looking for a full-time job and told Michael we weren't going to have any more babies. But, again, it's rare that Seth has days like this one and when the day is over, and my little man is lying in his crib looking so sweet (and more importantly quiet), I change my mind.

What I've tried to explain to Michael is that it really isn't Seth I get so frustrated with; afterall, he's just a baby and communicating to me in the only way he knows how. It's me.

I don't want to sound arrogant, but I've never struggled with anything. School, including college, was a breeze for me. I rarely had to study and sometimes never even opened a text book, and yet I got great grades. My jobs were just as easy. Sure, I had Psychology/Social Work jobs, so it's not like there was much room for messing up. But the point is, it all came easy. Raising a child is nothing like that.

I've read so many different articles, listened to different pieces of advice, and yet everything ends up contradicting everything, because "every baby is unique." Well, what's the point of writing the darn book then? I'm even studying now, and it's still not helping much. And I hate seeing other mothers who seem to have it all down to a science. My kid's not perfect, I know yours can't be. I want to see another mother struggle; it doesn't make you a bad mom, just human.

Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that I'm struggling, and not just with Seth, although it's all linked to him. My house has never been spotless (as most of you know), but it's been pretty clean - well, not since Seth was born. There are days where I get things done and the house doesn't seem too bad, but most of the time it's a wreck and I would be ashamed to invite anyone in. I use the dishwasher daily or else there wouldn't be dishes. Only one out of every three baskets of clothes gets put away in a timely manner (and by that time, they're all wrinkled anyway). I don't know the last time I actually made a list before going to the store. My whole system is out of whack and I don't know how to get it back to where it was. On top of that, I have nothing to be proud of. I have no accomplishments, no hobbies, nothing to say, "Hey, I did that!" Michael comes home and asks what I did, and my answers are so lame and boring I'm almost embarrassed to answer. I need something to make me feel like I'm actually doing something.

I've mentioned in earlier posts that I have great female role models who are mothers. They do everything and have hobbies on the side - and they have multiple children. These are the last people I want to seek advice from, because I can't even handle a four month old. It's embarrassing and it brings me down just thinking about it. But enough about that, I just needed to vent, because surely, someone else must know what it feels like....or maybe can just imagine.

In happier news, Seth does pretty well sleeping through the night. I put him down after his 8:00 feeding, swaddled tightly (or else he wakes himself every 15 minutes), and he only wakes a few times through the night. However, he now wakes up at 5:00 instead of 6:00, when he was put down after his 10:00 feeding. Yesterday he took just over an hour nap in his crib, but has refused it since.

He is getting to be more expressive, if that was possible. He smiles a lot, giggles easily, and is trying to grab things that interest him. It's rare that he wants to hold anything other than our fingers, hands, or shirts, but he will grab hold of Harry Elephante when he's in his carseat now. He'll also hold onto the star on his swing and is just now trying to touch things on his activity set. It will be nice when he really wants to start playing with things.

Anyway, I guess that was a long enough rant, but it was all bottled up and this is an easy forum to let it out in. Plus I don't want to pretend like everything's always perfect. Other mothers need to know it's not just them!

Merry Christmas

Well, the holidays have kept me busy again and I have fallen behind with my blog. The holiday season started off with Seth getting his 3 month pictures. I may be biased, but I think they came out GREAT! Of course, Seth is just so darn cute, I'm not sure they could come out any other way!

We were very fortunate this year to be able to spend time with most of our family. Michael's mom came up from Florida to visit for a few days. The time just flew by too quickly before it was time for her to leave, though. On Christmas eve, we went to my aunt and uncle's house for our regular Christmas dinner. We had a blast playing Dirty Santa (Bingo) and it was, of course, nice seeing the family again. Unfortunately not everyone was able to make it;I'm hoping things will be better next year. Christmas day was spent with Michael's family, at his brother's house. We had a beautiful dinner and played a great pictionary-ish game, that ended with a lot of laughs. And best of all, Becca visited with us for two weeks; she has to leave tomorrow, but I'm glad I got to see her as much as I have. She's growing up so fast...

So, on to what we all really care about: Seth! He is doing very well. His check up measured him at 12lbs 10oz and 23 1/2". This puts him in the 33 and 30%. He's still a little on the small side according to the charts, but the doctor says he's doing great and is following the growth curve nicely. He had me fill out a developmental checklist and Seth is on track there, too, even surpassing his age in a few categories.

Seth's personality is developing more daily. He doesn't do his shrill crying/screaming much anymore. He now knows he can start off with whimpers and build his way up with his frustration. More often than not if he's crying it's because he's uncomfortable or in pain. (He's now drinking prune juice daily to help with this - yum.) He coos regularly and smiles and giggles for family. He is so adorable! But the most impressive thing in the past few weeks is that he is now sleeping through the night in his crib! He falls asleep shortly after his 10:00 feeding and sleeps pretty well until 6:00. Now if I could just get into that routine, we'd all be set! His naps are a bit more chaotic, but I'm not going to be strict on when he can sleep or not. He's doing better daily with taking naps, although he will not sleep in his crib during the day - it has to be the carseat, swing, or my arms.

With the passing of the Christmas season and the new year, I remember again how fortunate we all are. Even the few complaints we have are nothing compared to what so many others have to deal with. I don't know why we are so lucky, but I have to give praise and thanks to He that gave it all to us.