Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord

Let me begin by saying I am a fount of emotions right now. My thoughts are scattered and I don't even know what I'm going to write. All I know is things have to change...NOW!

I just came from my first night of my small groups (Bible Study) and my butt is sore. Why is my butt sore (and more importantly, why would I write about it)? Because I just got another big kick in it with the big, steel-toed boot of reality!

I have known for quite some time that I fall short of the glory of God, past the point of normal people. I am so low and deserve absolutely nothing that I have. And yet, God has chosen to bless me abundantly. If I wrote for the rest of my life, I could not list all of the blessings that I have. How crazy is that?! There is not enough time in the normal human life to even list all of our blessings. And what do I give in return? No amount of time I could give God will ever be good enough, but I don't even give a fraction. I put so many things ahead of praising and worshipping my Lord and Savior. Not important, life-saving things....things as trivial as an extra five minutes of sleep, folding laundry, watching ridiculous mind-numbing tv. So, I'm going to change. It's not for myself or for the people reading this. It's for my awesome, amazing, "I am who I am" God. Because although I can't give Him what He deserves, I need to try. When I meet Him, I don't want to cower in shame (although that is still highly probable). I want to be dumbstruck by Him, soak Him in, praise Him, acknowledge Him, sing for Him, worship Him, humble myself at His feet. I want to do it all! I do not want to be Martha anymore; I want to be Mary.

I don't really know where to start changing my life. I've signed up for Small Groups and attend my regular Bible Fellowship and have joined my church's MOPs group. I'm hoping that the relationships there will help to support me. And actually, I'm hoping YOU will support me. My plan, for now, is to start another blog where I can just journal about my readings. It would be interesting and strengthening if others gave their opinions. Sometimes we get so stuck on ideas that we don't see other possibilities. Now, I don't expect anyone else to follow the same path that I am. I'm going to try to make my quiet time a focal point of my day, not a rushed chore. If I have time to post a blog, I will. If not, I may play catch up later or I may skip sections. In any case, I'd love to hear other viewpoints.

The world we live in is so crazy, I can't even comprehend. There are close to seven BILLION people here and God knows the hearts and minds of each of us. He knows the exact number of raindrops He'll bless us with as well as how the beautiful rays of sun will shine on us and everything else. He knows EVERYTHING, absolutely everything. He blesses us even though we don't deserve it, because He loves us. He blesses us even though we give Him nothing.

As the Fall Season Approaches

Well, another summer is over and the beautiful Fall season is just beginning. I can't wait for the weather to be crisp, the leaves to change color, to drink hot apple cider and eat caramel apples again, and for the family to join together for Thanksgiving. When I was young, summer was my favorite season, as it seems to be with most children. Of course, this was probably due to no school. But then the first few weeks of summer would pass and I was ready to go back again. Yes, I was a school nerd.

Now as I'm older, I appreciate Fall much more. Spring is beautiful; everything is soft and light and starting anew. But Fall is comforting; it's a time to rest and recover. It means sweaters, bonfires, throwing the football around...just having fun. And that's about all I can say about that. It's not important, not even very interesting, but I'm looking forward to the season again.

I'm starting to resort to this blog as a journal more and more frequently. It's where I spill out my thoughts and feelings without having to bore too many people! This past week or so I've been doing a lot of thinking and really just needed to get it out, so here's my outlet.

First of all, I've been having some issues the last few months, so I went to the doctor for a check-up. The last cyst I developed while I was pregnant has not grown, so the doctor was happy with that. However, due to some newer circumstances, I have to go back in a few months. Without getting graphic, suffice it to say that the doctor is concerned with potential future pregnancies. There is a possibility I may not be able to have more or that if I do, I'll have to have assistance with it. We're going to follow up on this in November and see where I stand then. If the problems persist, then we're going to discuss treatment options. I'm not sure what "treatment options" means, but it's not something I'm looking forward to discussing. I know I can be a bit of a drama queen and let my imagination get away with me, so I'm trying not to think about it too much. However, I can't stop imagining the pictures of a high school classmate's ordeal with IVF. I don't think that's something I would want to do.

I've talked to Michael about this and he is, of course, calm about it. He says he'll be happy with just Seth. I'm still anxious about it. It's just like back in high school when my doctor thought there was a possibility of Cancer. My scores were high and he couldn't come up with any other explanation for my cysts. I wasn't afraid of the word Cancer or it's consequences; it was the waiting I hated. I hate riding the fence and imagining situations for either course. Either I have it or I don't; either I can get pregnant or I can't. It's not the answer the bothers me, just the waiting. I would be very happy with having just Seth. It's much more practical and economical and we would be able to do so much more for him. And it's not like a second child could make me any happier than I am with Seth. I just wish I knew already.

The second thing I've been dwelling on is an ongoing thing. There is a person in my life whom I love very much and I know he loves me. However, this person seems to appreciate long-distance, superficial relationships to more conventional relationships. It's been like this for years, but as my life has changed so much, I guess I was sort of hoping for more. I was hoping he would make it to my wedding, or at least answer my calls that weekend. I was hoping he would want to know about my son, or at least say his name....just once.

I decided a long time ago that our relationship was up to me. If I wanted him in my life, I was going to have to accept him for who he is and not expect him to change. And I've been patient and mostly satisfied with our arrangement. Then he canceled our visit the last time I was back home. When I had a layover in his city, he forgot the time and made it just as I was boarding. I appreciate the great effort it took to rush to the city and push his way through security to see me, but what do you say in five minutes? "It's good to see you. How are things?" Keep it neutral, keep it distant. But this time was going to be different: I made plans to visit and he offered to let Seth and I stay at his house. Maybe things would change. But once the plans were settled, he seemed to forget the previous conversation and said, "Things change." No they don't; things stay just the same.

Why do I keep hoping? I don't know. I know he's a good person in his own way and I don't want to lose him. Unfortunately, it's just not a normal relationship. I stick to it, because I think he needs me. He doesn't have normal relationships with anyone and who's going to be there in the end? It will be me, because I won't give up on him. As much as this upsets me, it also gets me thinking of all the wonderful people God put in my life. He knew that I would have some difficult relationships, so He gave me other people to fill that void. They don't replace other people, but they offer what's missing. I can never say that I'm alone or that I feel unloved, because it's not possible. I am blessed with so many people who love me and I love them, even those who want to keep it superficial.

On a side note, Seth did not have Roseola. He had a common cold, which Michael and I then caught. We all spent the Labor Day weekend recovering. But before Michael and I got sick, my mom babysat Seth so that we could go to the movies on Michael's birthday. His birthday wish of seeing Harry Potter trumped my boycott, so we saw it. It was, of course, awesome, and I can't wait for it to be released on DVD. Not only was it a present for Michael, but I really enjoyed myself, too....more than I thought I would. Married couples need dates, too; they keep things fresh and exciting. We're still young, and every now and then we need to remember that!

Down With the Sickness

Seth was up and down last night with a slight fever and a major case of the sniffles. Michael and I finally took him out of his crib at 5:30, because it was clear he was up for good. The poor little man's eyes were a little puffy and red, he was still oozing snot, was too warm for having the fan on, and just didn't seem like his normal self. Michael and I chalked it up to allergies since everyone is getting hit with them.

I called the doctor's office as soon as they opened, and after being put on hold for 32 minutes, the nurse agreed that his symptoms sounded like allergies and to give him 1 tsp of Children's Benadryl. Now, the box says not to give it to children under the age of six and at that age they would get 1 tsp. So, I called the doctor back before buying the medicine. She assured me it was ok and that was the recommended dosage. Naturally I texted my bff, DR.(!) Bryan Dodd, to verify what she said and he told me that I should give Seth 12.5 mg. Now mg cannot be converted into tsp without some fancy formula. So, needless to say after googling quite a bit and doing much more math than I have in a long time, I found that 12.5 mg of Children's Benadryl is 1 tsp! (I know that was incredibly boring, but it took a lot of effort on my part.)

So, I gave Seth his medicine and his snack and he went to sleep. He dozed off and on for a while before he woke up crying. When I picked him up he felt even hotter, so I took his temperature, which he is not fond of. He had a fever of 102.4. I called the doctor and got an appointment for that afternoon. I took him in, we waited. They weighed him, we waited. The doctor saw him, we waited. The nurse took swabs of his throat and nose to check for flu and strep, we waited and waited. And finally the doctor came back and said he showed negative for both and that he probably has Roseola.

Roseola lasts for several days with the first three to four days averaging a high fever and leaving the patient contagious. Once the fever declines, he will develop a rash that will spread to his whole body and may or may not itch. At this point, he is no longer contagious (but who really wants to bring them out looking like that?!). So it looks like Seth and I will be homebound for the next week or so.

My poor baby barely cried or fussed all day, which is so unusual for him. He was mosty just zoned out and clung to me like a little monkey. It's odd to miss crying and fussing when normally you pray for quiet days like today. But I know why he's quiet and it makes me so miserable for him. I put him to bed an hour early, hoping that he can catch up on the sleep he missed last night and maybe sleep this thing off.

It's times like this that I wish Michael were home with me. It's not that I can't handle it, it's just sort of heartbreaking when your baby gets sick for the first time and you can't do anything about it. Which got me thinking....

The next four years are really going to suck in a way. As it is, Michael works a normal job, but then brings work home regularly. Sure, he usually tries to do it after I've gone to bed, but I usually end up going to bed early so that he doesn't have to stay up too late working on it. We don't spend the time together that I wish we could. Not that we aren't fortunate, because we do get to see each other a lot more than other couples do; I'm just selfish. But anyway, Michael's semester started this past Saturday. He has classes on Wednesday and Friday nights and Saturday mornings. We signed up for small groups: his is on Tuesday nights, mine is on Thursday nights. That leaves Monday, Saturday, and Sunday nights open for me. But where does homework fit in? Right, so that leaves some time for me. Some is still better than none, but not as good as a lot. And so this is roughly how the next four years will go.

The situation makes a lot of questions. If we were to have another child, when would we? Michael wouldn't be able to be involved until he/she was a toddler unless he postponed school more, which postpones school more. How can I plan for special father/son time when there's barely any time? I'm lonely now; how am I going to feel next semester? Year? Presidential term? It makes me miss my friends. I'm very grateful I have my family here, because they really are some of my closest friends. (I mean, who else is more easily manipulated to go garage-saleing, grab lunch, or have game nights?!) But I really hope that I make some friends closer to my age who may be experiencing similar things. Anyway, that was a lot of random thoughts thrown together, but that's how my mind works: point A to G to V to 2.

How do I get from a blog about my poor little angel getting sick to feeling sorry for myself? It comes naturally - I'm selfish and self-pitying and I have another 1 1/2 hours until my husband comes home. Blah...