It's been a whirlwind lately!  A lot of sitting and waiting and then a lot of loving!

You know how you have something in mind, but people keep telling you something different, you start to believe them?  I fully expected to be induced on November 13th, but people kept telling me Lorelei would make her appearance between October 30th and November 11th.  There were actual bets!  It turnd out no one made any money, because I ended up being induced after all.  But I sure did sit and wait for two weeks expecting her to come early, just because everyone was so sure!

The boys spent the night with their Nana Sunday night, and Michael and I got to Fort Sanders at 7:00 am Monday morning.  By 8:00, I was hooked up in a bed and ready to go.  They asked if I thought I'd want an epidural and I told them I wanted to try without it.  I was only 2 cm at that point and no contractions - if I was able to do it with Caleb, I could certainly do it again.

For the next two hours Michael and I channel-surfed: Last Man Standing, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and Scrubs.  The nurse continued to come in and increase the Pitocin levels.  It definitely started kicking in after a few hours and I started concentrating on my breathing, still pretty comfortable.  By the time we got to the fourth hour and I had only made it to 4 cm, I was starting to reconsider the epidural.  My focus wasn't on the TV much and my contractions were coming pretty regularly.  Sometime during this period I started averaging one minute contractions every minute.  The doctor broke my water to help things progress more quickly.  I considered the timing (4 hours for 2 cm - this did not promise to be an enjoyable or short experience) and asked for the epidural.  My version of Hebrews 13:21 continued through my head and carried me through the next several hours: You have equipped me with everything good, that I might do Your will and be pleasing in Your sight.  The epidural definitely was a huge blessing and helped so much.....for a little while. 

After a time, I noticed I could feel contractions on one side again.  They told me to roll over, that gravity would help.  It didn't.  So they pushed a button to release more of the medicine.  It also did not help.  A while later they pushed it one more time and that made me completely numb - yay, I could do this now!  The nurse checked me then and said, "Ok, let's get going."
"Uhm, going where?"
She laughed.  "You're at 10 and ready to start pushing."
"What?!  I was just at 4.  How did that happen?"
"We turned the Pitocin up and it really speeds things up."

Throughout the last hour or two it seemed like I was continually gushing water.  There was no end to this Niagra Falls.  There was no holding it back and eventually I had to stop apologizing, because it was just ridiculous.  The nurse thought it was funny.....or at least pretended she didn't mind it.  After that things zoomed by.  My nurse had me practice pushing once and said I had it down.  She called in the doctor and nurses.  Five pushes was all it took!  Pretty impressive to me, because two hours earlier they had told me Lorelei was still hanging out pretty high up.

Unlike her brothers, Lorelei didn't scream, only letting out little, but healthy cries.  Michael cut her cord, she was checked and wrapped up, and handed to Daddy.  Everything was perfect; she was content with both Michael and me and stayed pretty happy for most of the hospital stay.  The doctor apologized for not making a cut for me and said my recovery would be a little more difficult because I tore twice.  That's not something you want to hear, but there was nothing to do about it now.

After that, it was just a lot of waiting again.  My mother-in-law and the boys came to visit, then my mom and uncle, and my sister-in-law and brother-in-law.  I was moved to my new room and was told I could possibly go home the next afternoon.  This was what we wanted to hear!  I hate the hospital stay; it's impossible to rest.  Well, they forgot to test Lorelei's blood that first day and had to wait 24 hours to test it again and by the time the results came in, we were told we'd have to stay another day.

I started cramping quite a bit the second day and eventually asked for some pain killers at bedtime to try to help me get sleep this night, at least.  I fed Lorelei, got her swaddled and sleeping, and got myself ready for bed.  Boy did I suddenly feel tired!  Like haven't slept in days tired - couldn't hold my eyes open tired.  So I put a cold drink to my eyes (I recognized this exhaustion and knew a cold compress would help) and laid down.  But it didn't help.  In fact, it felt worse.  I considered going to sleep anyway, but thought I should check to make sure I didn't get makeup in my eye or something that was irritating it.  I didn't have makeup in my eyes.  I could barely see my eyes - they were swollen nearly shut!

I paged a nurse and told them I thought I was having an allergic reaction.  The nurse was reluctant to say I was, but after talking realized the only possible reactant would have been the Motrin.  So, apparently I'm allergic to Motrin.  She brought me Benadryl and told me to page her again if I felt like I couldn't breathe or like my throat was closing up.  Thankfully it didn't get that bad, and my eyes were a little better when she checked on me an hour later.  She told me to expect the swelling to stay for a day or so.  She was right; I went home the next afternoon still somewhat swollen.

Everything from that point on was uneventful and boring.  I hate the waiting with nothing to do.  But we went home around lunchtime on the 15th and settled into our new lifestyle of a family of five.  The boys adore Lorelei and are happy to hold her and compliment her.  I know the novelty will wear off, but they sure are sweet now.  I'm very glad to say Caleb is doing well with the transition and does not appear to be jealous.  Hopefully that will last when life gets back to normal and school starts up again.  For now, I'm very happy to be blessed with this little family of mine.

Being Present

Every new year people set goals.  Usually it's losing weight or stopping a bad habit or becoming someone they want to be.  My goal this year was to be more present.  Maybe not in every moment, because... let's be realistic.  But I knew I was scattered and distracted most of the time.  My work and my volunteering took the most out of me.  My family got the little that was left.  And God....He was fit in here and there.  It's not how I wanted to be, but I didn't know how to change it.  I longed to be Mary and not Martha.  I wanted to sit at the feet of Jesus and just soak Him in.  I wanted to be Donna Reed and serve my family happily and know everything they thought and felt.  I wanted to be Superwoman and make a difference for everyone I came across.

I wasn't.

I'm still not.

It's my favorite time of day right now, just after the sun peaks over the treetops and the colors of the sky are blending together seamlessly.  I'm content in this quiet moment.  If I was a real grown up, I'd have a mug of coffee in my hand.  I rarely see this time; I'm always rushing to make Michael's breakfast, get the boys up, pack Seth's backpack and get the day started for Caleb.  I miss this gift every single day.  But not today.  God made this morning for me.  Michael is away camping for the weekend.  Caleb is spending this night with his nana.  And Seth is finally sleeping through the night after a long week of sickness.  Seven nights of checking fever and making adjustments and giving medicine every two hours with minutes of sleep in between, because his coughing was so powerful that sleep evaded us.  I was beyond exhausted, lost all of my patience, and was just worn out.  And then God woke me this morning, feeling - not necessarily wide awake - but rested.  Peaceful, as I watch the sun rise.

Seth patters out the bedroom obviously feeling better, as well.  He cuddles on the couch with me, watching me type, because he is nosy like his mother.  And I feel the warmth emanating from him as I realize this time is limited.  My nine year old is growing up.  My six year old is spending the night confidently away from me, with no tears.  And in a matter of weeks, we'll be starting over with a brand new little baby.  I am entirely blessed and I miss so much of it, because I'm always thinking of the next thing.

Homeschool.  Doctor appointments.  Homemaking.  Playdates.  Food planning (I'm so ready for this gestational diabetes to be over).  Bible studies.  Outings.  Keeping up with people.  Church activities.  Trying to find something for me.  Sleep, blessed sleep. 

Other women balance all these things and appear to do so flawlessly.  I know that's not realistic; we all struggle.  But I'd like to look like I manage the same.  But I'll settle for just being present.  For soaking in the moment.  For noticing the sunrise.  For the extra cuddles while I hear about the mundane details of the newest video game.  While I nod, not understanding anything about Michael's job, but actually listening all the same.  While feeling this little lady squirm around inside me.  While just sitting in silence and "being still."

It's going to take a long time before I can be that person.  It may be my goal for next year, as well.  But I want to be gentle and quiet and in the moment.  I want to notice the sun every morning and remember to say thank you, because it's a gift.  This life is a gift.

Busy....

Why do we, as a people, place so much value on busyness?  I understand that we are not supposed to be idle.  We are supposed to be productive, and often times as moms, we seem to run on full-throttle from sun up to past sun down.  But why do we feel this is how we are supposed to be?  This question has bothered me for a long time.  How are we expected to truly have fellowship when we are constantly too busy?  What is just busy enough?  Do we need to have each child in a sport, club, and all church activities?  Do we have to do it all within the home by ourselves?  If you're a control-freak like me, you may say yes - but is that wise?  A too-busy woman will burn out and be no good to her family.  Who wants someone's company who is distracted and hurrying all the time?  This is just one of those thoughts I think about sometimes.  I wish we still lived in the days when neighbors came over to play cards, ladies baked together, men helped each other with home repair projects, kids took turns playing in each other's yards.  I long for that kind of fellowship.  I long for quiet moments to really recharge.  I am beginning an online group study today called Rest and Release.  I'm tired of being Martha....

This week has been busy; I guess that's why my mind went that direction.  We had soccer practices, games, church, playdates, family visit, doctor's appointments, a field trip, a consignment sale, and a birthday party.  All of that on top of school and regular chores.  I'm not happy being that busy, but I keep fooling myself saying it's just a season.  It's time I start controlling this season, though, and cutting things out for the sake of myself and my family.

We had our weekly appointment for Lorelei and she is doing fine.  We also straightened out the insurance mess, so that was a huge relief!  Last week our insurance company stated they would not cover all of the extra appointments, tests, care, etc - just basic maternity care. This weighed heavily on me, as bills were already piling up and we had not even got to the bigger bills yet.  But praise God, it was all a misunderstanding and insurance will be covering the majority of our expenses.  So now the only concern is how big little Miss will be growing.  I'm praying that we will not have to plan on a C-section in the end.

Both boys are doing well.  Seth's teacher conference (which ended up being a text message) stated he is doing very well in school and is at the top of his class in math.  He has several friends he is close to and I'm so grateful for it, since that was the only reason we went with public school.  Caleb is doing great with school.  I feel like I'm failing him, in a way, because he really should be pushed harder.  I had planned ahead so much, though, that I don't want to waste all that effort.  My plan is to get everything ready to go for the new semester at a more challenging pace.  This week is fall break for Seth, so I'm hoping I can get a good jump start on that now.

Unfortunately, Seth picked up some kind of virus just as school was ending.  He reaches a fever of around 100, but it goes away after one dose of Tylenol each day.  It's that cough that never ends - he is just like his mama.  If we can get through that and sleep through the night again, it would be wonderful.  As if regular pregnancy wasn't enough to keep me awake at night, this certainly isn't helping!  But Seth seems to feel pretty well overall, so I can't truly complain.

It's a beautiful early fall day today.  The sky is blue, the clouds are fluffy white.  We're not losing many leaves just yet, but it is much cooler out with only a high of 80*.  We're staying indoors today for a break and to make sure Seth is, in fact, getting better, but I do look forward to getting out tomorrow.

Does A Hiatus Even Cover This?

It looks like it's been a few years since I've visited this blog.  In fact, I couldn't even remember the address at first!  I'm not entirely sure why I'm attempting this again.  My life isn't any more interesting nor do I have any more time to invest in this hobby.  I guess I just want to remember things for later.  And maybe share a few things with loved ones.  I've relied on Facebook for years now to keep in touch with everyone, but Facebook has become more depressing than uplifting and I realize I cannot commit to it like I wanted.

See, I'm one of those "guilty" people.  I can feel guilty about anything.  Yes, anything.  I feel guilty if I don't check in on people and make sure they get their "likes."  Because everyone wants to be noticed sometimes.  But it's kind of exhausting skimming through all the political junk of the day just to show support.  So I guess I'm going to try it this way.  I'll add my own life in here, ask for those who read to share theirs, and maybe pass on some uplifting or interesting tidbits.  It won't be riveting and it won't be a big hit.  But it will be honest.

It's been about seven years since I've blogged on here.  A lot, yet not a lot, has happened since then.  Michael and I have two beautiful boys, whom you know, who are actually 9 and nearly 7.  We also have a new little blessing on the way: Lorelei.  She was originally due on Caleb's birthday, but has since been moved up to November 18.

Michael is still working at Pilot.  He's moving up the ladder and is doing well for himself.  I think he mostly enjoys what he does and, thankfully, doesn't have to put in the crazy hours he used to in the beginning.  He does still have to work some from home, but I'll take that any day to what he used to do.  He has recently started riding trails as a new hobby and still plays video games.  He and I occasionally play board or card games when I'm not feeling exhausted.

My life has changed fairly regularly over the years: Soon after Caleb was born I started working a night job at a gym.  That lasted about two years, but sleep was an issue and my immune system wore itself out and I finally had to quit.  Then I stayed home for a bit with the boys.  A new job opportunity fell in my lap working in the social work field again.  I stayed there a little over a year, but it put a strain on the family.  I had to have Caleb in daycare part-time and it was terribly disorganized and red flags started popping up all over; so I quit that, too.  That's when we began our homeschooling journey.  We did that for a year and a half until we ran out of options for the boys to make friends - nothing was working, so we tried public school.  Seth loved it and Caleb did not.  So Seth has returned for a second year and Caleb has come back to homeschooling.  Both boys are doing well; I'm blessed that they are quick and eager learners.  I was able to teach preschool for a year and a half and it was a great learning experience.  I was terrified of that much responsibility for so many little hearts, but it went fairly smoothly.

During this time, we attended a great church.  We had a great group and then had the privilege of serving in the nursery for several years.  I have to say I really loved working with the kids.  There is something so amazing about little ones - there is no judgment, no hidden agendas, no expectations - they just love you for you.  It was a great time.  I found a niche in the children's department and I'm glad it was something I was able to experience.  However, all things must come to an end.  I believe God not only closed that door for me, but slammed it shut and locked the door.  It was painful, but must have been necessary.  I have to be honest, I sulked for a while.  I felt I lost my job, my volunteering, my friends, and my church family all in 12 hours time.  But God uses all things for good and I know He has a bigger plan for me.  I just wasn't right for that position anymore and it wasn't right for me, either.

We also fixed up and sold our home during this break.  That was truly a blessing, because God moved mountains....and quickly!  The first person to look at our house, two hours after listing it, made the offer and it was sold three weeks later.  I truly did not believe we'd be able to sell our little home, and certainly not so quickly.  Now we're in a holding place, living in an apartment, rebuilding our nest egg, and deciding what comes next.  My heart longs for home, for a place to belong; to be welcomed somewhere, to see the farms during harvest time, to feel settled.  I don't know if that will ever happen, but a girl can dream.  For now we have our own little dream to think about....

Lorelei is due in 8 weeks, or so they say.  This pregnancy has been a bit more difficult than with the boys.  I guess that comes with age.  I developed gestational diabetes this time around and fairly early.  But just to add some excitement, my body does not want to respond to the medications/diet predictably.  We're both healthy, we're just not where the doctors want us to be.  That being said, we have far too many appointments, extra (uninsured) bills, meds in our cabinet, and hoops to jump through.  That being said, the doctor did mention that we may need to induce or consider C-section if Lorelei decides to jump in growth anymore.  It kind of breaks my heart, because it just feels like another area of my life that I'm failing in, but I'll take what I can get.  So long as she is as healthy as possible and we have the means to support what she needs, I'll be happy.

Happy.  Joyful.  I'm working on that.  I have to be honest; it's been difficult lately.  I think we all struggle with depression here and there.  Thankfully I've never had a serious case of it and have never required medication - such a blessing.  But it can be a struggle for me during certain seasons.  These last few months have been such a season.  But I'm working on digging down and finding the joy again.  God is good and He is faithful.  It is I who gets so needy and whiny and self-centered.  So I may also use this blog to remind myself of the good in my life, because truly my life is good!  And maybe we can share this life together in the quiet moments.