The Letters That Won't Be Delivered

Where to begin? I guess first I'd like to write that this blog entry isn't really for anyone except myself. These are thoughts that have been going through my head and sometimes I think best when I see my thoughts written down.

Today is supposed to be a monumental occasion due to the inauguration of our new president. Now, I have not kept it secret that I did not vote for Obama or that I was extremely disappointed about his election. Not much has changed in that area; I'd much rather have a different president. I'm not a "strictly Republican girl" and I'm not a radical that believes Obama is the Antichrist, either. I'm just a girl who wants some proof - proof that America's faith was put into the right person.

So, if I were to actually write out my feelings to the people I've been thinking about, this is roughly how it would go.

Dear President Obama,

I will be praying for you, as you become our new president, that you will make wise decisions for our country and lead us into peaceful times. I may not agree with all that you do, but I will do my best to support you. You have a lot of pressure on you as our first African-American president and I hope that you are up for the challenge. I pray that you will not always be known as our "First Black President," but that you will one day be known as a man who did great things. Your genetics are not of your control, but your actions are. Please don't try to be "a savior," but be satisfied being a righteous man. I pray that you not only seek counsel from your peers, but from The Counsellor, as He will guide you without fail.

Dear President Bush,

As you leave your term as president, I would like to extend my deepest gratitude for all you have done. No one can understand the stress you have gone through as you have deliberated our country's path. You gave up your privacy, your personal life, and your pride to become a servant to the people - and with little thanks given for it. You had many challenges brought to you during your terms and you rose to each occasion rather than shying away. I thank you for making decisions I may not have been able to make, had I been in your position. Thank you for your loyalty and faith in us as a country.

Dear Troops,

Although today everyone is focused on the inauguration of our newest president and the departure of our last president, I would like to focus on you for a minute. It is imperative to our country to have a strong leader; however it is not that leader that makes our country strong. It is men and women, like yourselves, that make this country what it is and worthy of being known as a superpower. Our president is one person reflecting the needs of our country. You are the answer to those needs. Without your courage, selflessness, and honor, we would surely fall. Thank you for all that you do, for all that you've given up, and for the wonderful heroes you are.

So today I am committing myself to my president in the hopes that he will prove my doubts wrong and be a wonderful leader. I don't know him as a person, only the stances he has taken, and some of those are very different from my own. He may be a nice man, but he has some ideas that need to change. I know that there have been many people who have gone from being horrible human beings to very Christ-centered people. With prayer, perhaps Obama will also reconsider his ideas and be led onto a different path.

It's Not All It's Cracked Up to Be

First, let me begin that I love being a mom. Seth really is the biggest blessing I've ever had. He is a very sweet and cute baby that warms my heart, brings tears of joy to my eyes, and makes me smile every day.

However...
today was not one of those days.

Normally when you talk to a mother, she'll tell you how wonderful her child is. Of course no mother wants to let on that her child has a bad day now and then and especially not a series of bad days. Well, I'm not going to be that mother! Seth has bad days, sometimes really bad days, sometimes several really bad days. If any woman says her child does not, she's a liar. For those of you who read this that are planning on having children or are expecting - expect bad days!

I'm not saying Seth is a bad baby. In fact, he's much better than I deserve. But when he does have a bad day, it's all day and nothing will satisfy him. And it's not whimpering cries, it's full out screaming cries, where he turns red and overheats and I have to strip him down to just his diaper. Fortunately for me, this doesn't happen often, but when it does it really stresses me out. Today I seriously considered looking for a full-time job and told Michael we weren't going to have any more babies. But, again, it's rare that Seth has days like this one and when the day is over, and my little man is lying in his crib looking so sweet (and more importantly quiet), I change my mind.

What I've tried to explain to Michael is that it really isn't Seth I get so frustrated with; afterall, he's just a baby and communicating to me in the only way he knows how. It's me.

I don't want to sound arrogant, but I've never struggled with anything. School, including college, was a breeze for me. I rarely had to study and sometimes never even opened a text book, and yet I got great grades. My jobs were just as easy. Sure, I had Psychology/Social Work jobs, so it's not like there was much room for messing up. But the point is, it all came easy. Raising a child is nothing like that.

I've read so many different articles, listened to different pieces of advice, and yet everything ends up contradicting everything, because "every baby is unique." Well, what's the point of writing the darn book then? I'm even studying now, and it's still not helping much. And I hate seeing other mothers who seem to have it all down to a science. My kid's not perfect, I know yours can't be. I want to see another mother struggle; it doesn't make you a bad mom, just human.

Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that I'm struggling, and not just with Seth, although it's all linked to him. My house has never been spotless (as most of you know), but it's been pretty clean - well, not since Seth was born. There are days where I get things done and the house doesn't seem too bad, but most of the time it's a wreck and I would be ashamed to invite anyone in. I use the dishwasher daily or else there wouldn't be dishes. Only one out of every three baskets of clothes gets put away in a timely manner (and by that time, they're all wrinkled anyway). I don't know the last time I actually made a list before going to the store. My whole system is out of whack and I don't know how to get it back to where it was. On top of that, I have nothing to be proud of. I have no accomplishments, no hobbies, nothing to say, "Hey, I did that!" Michael comes home and asks what I did, and my answers are so lame and boring I'm almost embarrassed to answer. I need something to make me feel like I'm actually doing something.

I've mentioned in earlier posts that I have great female role models who are mothers. They do everything and have hobbies on the side - and they have multiple children. These are the last people I want to seek advice from, because I can't even handle a four month old. It's embarrassing and it brings me down just thinking about it. But enough about that, I just needed to vent, because surely, someone else must know what it feels like....or maybe can just imagine.

In happier news, Seth does pretty well sleeping through the night. I put him down after his 8:00 feeding, swaddled tightly (or else he wakes himself every 15 minutes), and he only wakes a few times through the night. However, he now wakes up at 5:00 instead of 6:00, when he was put down after his 10:00 feeding. Yesterday he took just over an hour nap in his crib, but has refused it since.

He is getting to be more expressive, if that was possible. He smiles a lot, giggles easily, and is trying to grab things that interest him. It's rare that he wants to hold anything other than our fingers, hands, or shirts, but he will grab hold of Harry Elephante when he's in his carseat now. He'll also hold onto the star on his swing and is just now trying to touch things on his activity set. It will be nice when he really wants to start playing with things.

Anyway, I guess that was a long enough rant, but it was all bottled up and this is an easy forum to let it out in. Plus I don't want to pretend like everything's always perfect. Other mothers need to know it's not just them!

Merry Christmas

Well, the holidays have kept me busy again and I have fallen behind with my blog. The holiday season started off with Seth getting his 3 month pictures. I may be biased, but I think they came out GREAT! Of course, Seth is just so darn cute, I'm not sure they could come out any other way!

We were very fortunate this year to be able to spend time with most of our family. Michael's mom came up from Florida to visit for a few days. The time just flew by too quickly before it was time for her to leave, though. On Christmas eve, we went to my aunt and uncle's house for our regular Christmas dinner. We had a blast playing Dirty Santa (Bingo) and it was, of course, nice seeing the family again. Unfortunately not everyone was able to make it;I'm hoping things will be better next year. Christmas day was spent with Michael's family, at his brother's house. We had a beautiful dinner and played a great pictionary-ish game, that ended with a lot of laughs. And best of all, Becca visited with us for two weeks; she has to leave tomorrow, but I'm glad I got to see her as much as I have. She's growing up so fast...

So, on to what we all really care about: Seth! He is doing very well. His check up measured him at 12lbs 10oz and 23 1/2". This puts him in the 33 and 30%. He's still a little on the small side according to the charts, but the doctor says he's doing great and is following the growth curve nicely. He had me fill out a developmental checklist and Seth is on track there, too, even surpassing his age in a few categories.

Seth's personality is developing more daily. He doesn't do his shrill crying/screaming much anymore. He now knows he can start off with whimpers and build his way up with his frustration. More often than not if he's crying it's because he's uncomfortable or in pain. (He's now drinking prune juice daily to help with this - yum.) He coos regularly and smiles and giggles for family. He is so adorable! But the most impressive thing in the past few weeks is that he is now sleeping through the night in his crib! He falls asleep shortly after his 10:00 feeding and sleeps pretty well until 6:00. Now if I could just get into that routine, we'd all be set! His naps are a bit more chaotic, but I'm not going to be strict on when he can sleep or not. He's doing better daily with taking naps, although he will not sleep in his crib during the day - it has to be the carseat, swing, or my arms.

With the passing of the Christmas season and the new year, I remember again how fortunate we all are. Even the few complaints we have are nothing compared to what so many others have to deal with. I don't know why we are so lucky, but I have to give praise and thanks to He that gave it all to us.