First, let me begin that I love being a mom. Seth really is the biggest blessing I've ever had. He is a very sweet and cute baby that warms my heart, brings tears of joy to my eyes, and makes me smile every day.
However...
today was not one of those days.
Normally when you talk to a mother, she'll tell you how wonderful her child is. Of course no mother wants to let on that her child has a bad day now and then and especially not a series of bad days. Well, I'm not going to be that mother! Seth has bad days, sometimes really bad days, sometimes several really bad days. If any woman says her child does not, she's a liar. For those of you who read this that are planning on having children or are expecting - expect bad days!
I'm not saying Seth is a bad baby. In fact, he's much better than I deserve. But when he does have a bad day, it's all day and nothing will satisfy him. And it's not whimpering cries, it's full out screaming cries, where he turns red and overheats and I have to strip him down to just his diaper. Fortunately for me, this doesn't happen often, but when it does it really stresses me out. Today I seriously considered looking for a full-time job and told Michael we weren't going to have any more babies. But, again, it's rare that Seth has days like this one and when the day is over, and my little man is lying in his crib looking so sweet (and more importantly quiet), I change my mind.
What I've tried to explain to Michael is that it really isn't Seth I get so frustrated with; afterall, he's just a baby and communicating to me in the only way he knows how. It's me.
I don't want to sound arrogant, but I've never struggled with anything. School, including college, was a breeze for me. I rarely had to study and sometimes never even opened a text book, and yet I got great grades. My jobs were just as easy. Sure, I had Psychology/Social Work jobs, so it's not like there was much room for messing up. But the point is, it all came easy. Raising a child is nothing like that.
I've read so many different articles, listened to different pieces of advice, and yet everything ends up contradicting everything, because "every baby is unique." Well, what's the point of writing the darn book then? I'm even studying now, and it's still not helping much. And I hate seeing other mothers who seem to have it all down to a science. My kid's not perfect, I know yours can't be. I want to see another mother struggle; it doesn't make you a bad mom, just human.
Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that I'm struggling, and not just with Seth, although it's all linked to him. My house has never been spotless (as most of you know), but it's been pretty clean - well, not since Seth was born. There are days where I get things done and the house doesn't seem too bad, but most of the time it's a wreck and I would be ashamed to invite anyone in. I use the dishwasher daily or else there wouldn't be dishes. Only one out of every three baskets of clothes gets put away in a timely manner (and by that time, they're all wrinkled anyway). I don't know the last time I actually made a list before going to the store. My whole system is out of whack and I don't know how to get it back to where it was. On top of that, I have nothing to be proud of. I have no accomplishments, no hobbies, nothing to say, "Hey, I did that!" Michael comes home and asks what I did, and my answers are so lame and boring I'm almost embarrassed to answer. I need something to make me feel like I'm actually doing something.
I've mentioned in earlier posts that I have great female role models who are mothers. They do everything and have hobbies on the side - and they have multiple children. These are the last people I want to seek advice from, because I can't even handle a four month old. It's embarrassing and it brings me down just thinking about it. But enough about that, I just needed to vent, because surely, someone else must know what it feels like....or maybe can just imagine.
In happier news, Seth does pretty well sleeping through the night. I put him down after his 8:00 feeding, swaddled tightly (or else he wakes himself every 15 minutes), and he only wakes a few times through the night. However, he now wakes up at 5:00 instead of 6:00, when he was put down after his 10:00 feeding. Yesterday he took just over an hour nap in his crib, but has refused it since.
He is getting to be more expressive, if that was possible. He smiles a lot, giggles easily, and is trying to grab things that interest him. It's rare that he wants to hold anything other than our fingers, hands, or shirts, but he will grab hold of Harry Elephante when he's in his carseat now. He'll also hold onto the star on his swing and is just now trying to touch things on his activity set. It will be nice when he really wants to start playing with things.
Anyway, I guess that was a long enough rant, but it was all bottled up and this is an easy forum to let it out in. Plus I don't want to pretend like everything's always perfect. Other mothers need to know it's not just them!
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