Every new year people set goals. Usually it's losing weight or stopping a bad habit or becoming someone they want to be. My goal this year was to be more present. Maybe not in every moment, because... let's be realistic. But I knew I was scattered and distracted most of the time. My work and my volunteering took the most out of me. My family got the little that was left. And God....He was fit in here and there. It's not how I wanted to be, but I didn't know how to change it. I longed to be Mary and not Martha. I wanted to sit at the feet of Jesus and just soak Him in. I wanted to be Donna Reed and serve my family happily and know everything they thought and felt. I wanted to be Superwoman and make a difference for everyone I came across.
I wasn't.
I'm still not.
It's my favorite time of day right now, just after the sun peaks over the treetops and the colors of the sky are blending together seamlessly. I'm content in this quiet moment. If I was a real grown up, I'd have a mug of coffee in my hand. I rarely see this time; I'm always rushing to make Michael's breakfast, get the boys up, pack Seth's backpack and get the day started for Caleb. I miss this gift every single day. But not today. God made this morning for me. Michael is away camping for the weekend. Caleb is spending this night with his nana. And Seth is finally sleeping through the night after a long week of sickness. Seven nights of checking fever and making adjustments and giving medicine every two hours with minutes of sleep in between, because his coughing was so powerful that sleep evaded us. I was beyond exhausted, lost all of my patience, and was just worn out. And then God woke me this morning, feeling - not necessarily wide awake - but rested. Peaceful, as I watch the sun rise.
Seth patters out the bedroom obviously feeling better, as well. He cuddles on the couch with me, watching me type, because he is nosy like his mother. And I feel the warmth emanating from him as I realize this time is limited. My nine year old is growing up. My six year old is spending the night confidently away from me, with no tears. And in a matter of weeks, we'll be starting over with a brand new little baby. I am entirely blessed and I miss so much of it, because I'm always thinking of the next thing.
Homeschool. Doctor appointments. Homemaking. Playdates. Food planning (I'm so ready for this gestational diabetes to be over). Bible studies. Outings. Keeping up with people. Church activities. Trying to find something for me. Sleep, blessed sleep.
Other women balance all these things and appear to do so flawlessly. I know that's not realistic; we all struggle. But I'd like to look like I manage the same. But I'll settle for just being present. For soaking in the moment. For noticing the sunrise. For the extra cuddles while I hear about the mundane details of the newest video game. While I nod, not understanding anything about Michael's job, but actually listening all the same. While feeling this little lady squirm around inside me. While just sitting in silence and "being still."
It's going to take a long time before I can be that person. It may be my goal for next year, as well. But I want to be gentle and quiet and in the moment. I want to notice the sun every morning and remember to say thank you, because it's a gift. This life is a gift.
Saturday, October 7, 2017
Monday, October 2, 2017
Busy....
Why do we, as a people, place so much value on busyness? I understand that we are not supposed to be idle. We are supposed to be productive, and often times as moms, we seem to run on full-throttle from sun up to past sun down. But why do we feel this is how we are supposed to be? This question has bothered me for a long time. How are we expected to truly have fellowship when we are constantly too busy? What is just busy enough? Do we need to have each child in a sport, club, and all church activities? Do we have to do it all within the home by ourselves? If you're a control-freak like me, you may say yes - but is that wise? A too-busy woman will burn out and be no good to her family. Who wants someone's company who is distracted and hurrying all the time? This is just one of those thoughts I think about sometimes. I wish we still lived in the days when neighbors came over to play cards, ladies baked together, men helped each other with home repair projects, kids took turns playing in each other's yards. I long for that kind of fellowship. I long for quiet moments to really recharge. I am beginning an online group study today called Rest and Release. I'm tired of being Martha....
This week has been busy; I guess that's why my mind went that direction. We had soccer practices, games, church, playdates, family visit, doctor's appointments, a field trip, a consignment sale, and a birthday party. All of that on top of school and regular chores. I'm not happy being that busy, but I keep fooling myself saying it's just a season. It's time I start controlling this season, though, and cutting things out for the sake of myself and my family.
We had our weekly appointment for Lorelei and she is doing fine. We also straightened out the insurance mess, so that was a huge relief! Last week our insurance company stated they would not cover all of the extra appointments, tests, care, etc - just basic maternity care. This weighed heavily on me, as bills were already piling up and we had not even got to the bigger bills yet. But praise God, it was all a misunderstanding and insurance will be covering the majority of our expenses. So now the only concern is how big little Miss will be growing. I'm praying that we will not have to plan on a C-section in the end.
Both boys are doing well. Seth's teacher conference (which ended up being a text message) stated he is doing very well in school and is at the top of his class in math. He has several friends he is close to and I'm so grateful for it, since that was the only reason we went with public school. Caleb is doing great with school. I feel like I'm failing him, in a way, because he really should be pushed harder. I had planned ahead so much, though, that I don't want to waste all that effort. My plan is to get everything ready to go for the new semester at a more challenging pace. This week is fall break for Seth, so I'm hoping I can get a good jump start on that now.
Unfortunately, Seth picked up some kind of virus just as school was ending. He reaches a fever of around 100, but it goes away after one dose of Tylenol each day. It's that cough that never ends - he is just like his mama. If we can get through that and sleep through the night again, it would be wonderful. As if regular pregnancy wasn't enough to keep me awake at night, this certainly isn't helping! But Seth seems to feel pretty well overall, so I can't truly complain.
It's a beautiful early fall day today. The sky is blue, the clouds are fluffy white. We're not losing many leaves just yet, but it is much cooler out with only a high of 80*. We're staying indoors today for a break and to make sure Seth is, in fact, getting better, but I do look forward to getting out tomorrow.
This week has been busy; I guess that's why my mind went that direction. We had soccer practices, games, church, playdates, family visit, doctor's appointments, a field trip, a consignment sale, and a birthday party. All of that on top of school and regular chores. I'm not happy being that busy, but I keep fooling myself saying it's just a season. It's time I start controlling this season, though, and cutting things out for the sake of myself and my family.
We had our weekly appointment for Lorelei and she is doing fine. We also straightened out the insurance mess, so that was a huge relief! Last week our insurance company stated they would not cover all of the extra appointments, tests, care, etc - just basic maternity care. This weighed heavily on me, as bills were already piling up and we had not even got to the bigger bills yet. But praise God, it was all a misunderstanding and insurance will be covering the majority of our expenses. So now the only concern is how big little Miss will be growing. I'm praying that we will not have to plan on a C-section in the end.
Both boys are doing well. Seth's teacher conference (which ended up being a text message) stated he is doing very well in school and is at the top of his class in math. He has several friends he is close to and I'm so grateful for it, since that was the only reason we went with public school. Caleb is doing great with school. I feel like I'm failing him, in a way, because he really should be pushed harder. I had planned ahead so much, though, that I don't want to waste all that effort. My plan is to get everything ready to go for the new semester at a more challenging pace. This week is fall break for Seth, so I'm hoping I can get a good jump start on that now.
Unfortunately, Seth picked up some kind of virus just as school was ending. He reaches a fever of around 100, but it goes away after one dose of Tylenol each day. It's that cough that never ends - he is just like his mama. If we can get through that and sleep through the night again, it would be wonderful. As if regular pregnancy wasn't enough to keep me awake at night, this certainly isn't helping! But Seth seems to feel pretty well overall, so I can't truly complain.
It's a beautiful early fall day today. The sky is blue, the clouds are fluffy white. We're not losing many leaves just yet, but it is much cooler out with only a high of 80*. We're staying indoors today for a break and to make sure Seth is, in fact, getting better, but I do look forward to getting out tomorrow.
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