Enter: Mother Guilt Complex

I realize I'm overdue on my blogging for this week and this is due to several factors.

I took Seth to a new doctor last Thursday since the doctors at UT did not seem very concerned that he was losing weight instead of gaining and that he would go for 10 days without having a bowel movement. I tried not to be the hysterical new mom who calls about everything, but I was not happy with the service I was getting. I may not have gone to med school, but I know that isn't normal.

This new doctor's office was recommended by Michael's co-workers and were supposed to be very child-friendly. So far, I am pleased with the staff and the doctor. This doctor was very concerned with Seth's symptoms and immediately requested bloodwork and an ultrasound and switched him to a new formula. His bloodwork came back fine and I'm supposed to find out the results of his ultrasound tomorrow. The doctor wants to rule out kidney or bladder disease, but his final diagnosis was "failure to thrive." Well, everything else I could handle, but those three little words just crushed me: failure to thrive...did that make me a failure as a mother that I hadn't switched doctors earlier? That I hadn't noticed how unhealthy this was for him? That I was failing him? Well, I know logically that it wasn't my fault, that I'm allowed a certain amount of mistakes as a new mom and that I thought I was doing what was best for him. After all, I did everything the first doctor said. But logic cannot explain this to a hurting mother. He's only 5 weeks old and I've already failed him.

So, that's why I haven't felt like writing lately. I didn't want to post a wholly negative post. So the positive note is that I took Seth for his first pictures today. They came out really cute and I can't wait until the twelfth so I can pick them up! Surprisingly, he was a good boy through the whole shoot and didn't cry at all.

The best news, though, is that Seth has gained close to a pound since Thursday and is back near his birth weight. Now if we can just keep pudging him up he'll be able to fit into his closet full of clothes!

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But I think we'll keep him!

Another week has passed and our little boy is now a month old. It's amazing how much he has changed in just that short amount of time. Looking at pictures, he's still smaller than what he was at birth, but his personality is changing and he's becoming smarter.

Seth now has periods where he is very alert and for longer stretches of time. He notices more now - if we put him next to the aquarium, he'll actually watch the fish; next to the stereo, he'll watch the lights; next to the mirror, he'll watch himself. He likes music and dancing. He's becoming this little person!

Most importantly, though, he is allowing me to put him down without crying more often. He is now getting used to the carseat, swing, and his crib. For whatever reason, he still doesn't like the bassinet. So today Michael and I are going to put his crib in our room and put my dresser in Seth's room. Hopefully this will make Seth (and us) happy and he will sleep through the night in his crib and I can finally sleep in a bed again!

As for me, I'm starting to get used to this mommy role. The sleep schedule isn't so bad anymore and I'm finding I have more patience. In the beginning, I would get stressed out by Seth's crying, but now that I know he's ok and he's just crying to get attention, it doesn't make me as nervous. Of course, him getting over his health issues has made the most impact in that respect. So now that things are getting easier, I'm wondering what my daily life is going to be like. I have all of these amazing female role models around me that are raising children and being productive in their own unique ways. I have a cousin who makes little girl costumes, a friend who makes personalized bibs, and a sister-in-law who not only raises four children, but homeschools them, drives them to all of their activities, and even grinds her own wheat to make her own bread! Now I'm not going to be so ambitious to think I can juggle all of that, but I would like to find something that is just for me. I need a hobby!

Hello, Due Date!

Our original estimation of Seth's due date was October 20th and was moved to October 16th and then finally October 11th. So, of course when he decided to show up on September 20th, a whole month earlier than the first estimate, we were definitely surprised. It's amazing to think that yesterday was when he was actually scheduled to arrive and yet I was holding a three week old baby.

Seth is doing much better this week. He no longer needs to be tested for his bilirubin, which is a HUGE relief, because we both hated going to the hospital every day. He also finally had his "bm" after 9 days and beat his urinary tract infection. So now our little boy is healthy and pretty happy. He's starting to be much more vocal about his likes (but mostly dislikes) and has taken to staying up all night the past two nights. I do not care for this new nocturnal activity, but realize that all babies go through it at some point. I just hope it is a short-lived phase. On a semi-interesting side note, Seth suddenly decided one day that instead of hating the pacifier, it was his new best friend. Now it's in his mouth most of the time, but only this one in the picture. Apparently the other ones are just not the right fit.

Nothing else has happened recently, so I figured I'd fill out this blog with a list of things I have learned over the last few weeks:

1. It is possible to take a shower in under five minutes
2. The sink and the trash can fill up at an amazing speed
3. It is much more important to empty the trash than it is the sink
4. One big box of diapers does not last nearly as long as one would expect
5. Company will inevitably drop by just as you are feeding the baby
6. Uncles are not comfortable with the idea of you feeding the baby, even if you're covered, and now call well before stopping by
7. There is absolutely nothing on TV between the hours of 1:00am and 6:00 am (or any time really)
8. It is very easy to give baby advice when you have slept through the night
9. Consequently, it is not easy to take baby advice when you have not slept through the night
10. No matter how little sleep you get, how dirty your house gets, or how chaotic your schedule becomes, it is all worth it when your little baby cuddles up to you

Health Update!

I am very happy to announce that Seth is no longer at risk for jaundice! His level has dropped to 11.7! Now if we can just beat this urinary tract infection and get him to "make some twosies," we'll be good to go.

Where Have the Days Gone?

Well, my little man is now 2 1/2 weeks old and I fall more and more in love with him every day! He is doing pretty well, all things considered. I still have to take him to the hospital to have his bilirubin checked every day, but he is down to 13.1 from 16.7, so I'm thankful for that. Unfortunately he also has a urinary tract infection, but it was caught pretty early and he is on medication. I'm hoping by this time next week he will be all better and he and I can just enjoy our days at home.

Now if it was up to Seth, we would just cuddle in the recliner all the time. He is definitely learning to get what he wants and all he wants is to be held! I've been trying to break him of this by putting him in his swing, carseat, bassinet, etc., but he is much more committed to getting what he wants than I am to what I want. He has a set of lungs on him and he puts them to good use during these moments. My limit thus far has been 30 minutes of screaming/crying. I'm hoping that once he gets a clear bill of health I'll feel less guilty about putting him down and will stick to my guns. At this point he's in my arms day and night and I would eventually like to sleep in my own bed again. But I can't really begrudge him this little comfort right now - and I secretly love that he wants to cuddle with mama so much.

On a side note, our family and Michael's work have been so great to us. My mom moved into the house next door last month and has been doing my yardwork/landscaping along with my Uncle Marty. They've also been checking in on me every day to make sure everything is ok. Michael's dad is coming to visit tomorrow and his mom came up from Alabama last weekend. His sister-in-law dropped by last week and brought us a delicious dinner so that I could get a break from cooking. My cousin Angel checks on me every day or so and offers practical advice and my cousin Amy stopped by yesterday to bring Michael and I some birthday cake from her daughter's birthday party. Michael's co-workers have been showering us in gifts and have been full of well-wishes. We may not have all of our friends and family near us, but we definitely don't feel like we're lacking any love.

Outside of my lovely little family, not much has been going on. I'd like to say I've spent a lot of time catching up on reading, but with Seth in my arms, it proves difficult. So, instead, I've watched A LOT of movies/tv shows. Michael and I have been working our way through The Fresh Prince of Bel Air again and have been getting into the Halloween mood by watching horror movies. And when all else fails, I resort to my Harry Potter movies. I swear I'm not one of those Harry Potter geeks - it's just so easy to watch because I don't care if I fall asleep during them. If anyone has any movie recommendations (particularly horror movies) please let me know. I could definitely use something new to watch. Oh, we did get to watch the VP debate - GO PALIN!

In closing, I have to give props to my husband again. He really is so great! He shows me so much attention and is always willing to help in any way he can. Even with my post-pregnancy body, he still makes me feel like I'm attractive to him. Although this has not been a big issue for me, I know that if he didn't act so attentive, it probably would be. He even sleeps on the couch so he can be near Seth and I. I love the men in my life!

Motherhood is...

simply amazing!

I wasn't sure what I would write at first for this post - there is just so much in my heart and mind and I don't think I could do any of those thoughts justice at this time. But the main thought that keeps coming up is this: how could anyone doubt that there is a God when we have such wonderful blessings in children? I have a son, a baby boy all my own, and no theory, evolution included, could ever explain this to me. I know this train of thought is a little foggy, but it makes sense to me. People are always looking for miracles in life: angels, talking bushes, food that can feed hundreds, cures for "incurable" ailments. But what about daily miracles - the sun shining, birds singing, feelings of well-being, friendship? I've always tried to appreciate these daily miracles that so many take for granted, and now as a mother, I have so many, many more to look forward to.

I've never thought of myself as an overly emotional person; I try to be rational and practical, and this has worked out well for me. However, in this past week emotions are taking over. Seth melts my heart each time he nuzzles up to me and smiles. He is the best thing I've ever done and he gives me a purpose. Motherhood consists of so many things that I will be learning over the course of my life. Not only am I responsible for his daily living needs, but I will be his teacher, mentor, counselor, and friend. I can only hope that I am up for the challenge.

In summary for the past week, things are good. As Michael's post stated, my labor and delivery went very well compared to many women and I am so thankful for it. My recovery has been equally as good. The only downside of this week is that Seth's bilirubin scores have been high, putting him at risk for jaundice. Because of this, we have to take him to the hospital every day to get blood tests. His score is slowly decreasing and we're hoping he will get through this soon. It breaks my heart every time they have to stick him and he screams. He handles it very well and is only upset while the blood is being taken, but I can't wait for it to be over.

Seth is a great little baby, and I can't wait for everyone to meet him. He has now met a small part of our family and has made a good impression, I think. He's not a fussy baby and he doesn't mind being passed around to new people. And, of course, he is adorable! Who wouldn't love him?!

On a side note, Michael is amazing! I had some small doubts as to how he would react during labor. I thought he would become nervous or agitated or even that he would try to crack inappropriate jokes, but he surpassed all of my expectations. He was literally with me every step of the way - not once did he leave my side or become frustrated with me. He supported me through the entire experience and did everything he could for me. I really can't think of anything he could have done better. I am so glad that Seth has such a wonderful male role model as a daddy.

Seth's 0th birthday bash!

(Please note that all spelling and grammatical errors were intentionally included as evidence of our exhaustion)

Friday, Sept. 19th, 12:30pm -
Kristin and I are at a baby shower being held in our honor by my coworkers. There is abundant pizza, gifts, and nerdy jokes (I provided most of these).
Several people ask when our child is due, and I answer Oct. 11th, although technically we are full term so it could be any time soon. "Hopefully not
today though!" (laughter).

Friday, Sept. 19th, 6:15pm -
Having completed my day at work I come home to Kristin who is busily cooking dinner and doing general housework. While picking up some clutter she gasps and runs to the restroom. A few minutes later I hear her timidly call me. "Honey," she says, "either I just had a really embarrasing accident or my water broke!"


Friday, Sept. 19th, 9:00pm -
At UT Hospital the doctor has determined that Kristin's water has broken. We are moved to a delivery room where we are told to expect about 12-14 hours of steadily increasing contractions as Kristin dialates and Seth is prepared to be born.

Friday, Sept. 19th, 11:30pm -
Kristin's contractions have rapidly set in and she is in a lot of pain. She is becoming very discouraged because she does not want another 12 or so hours of this. She finally breaks down enough to call for an epidural.

Saturday, Sept. 20th, 2:00am -
The anesthesioligist has finally gotten a break from several emergency calls and is able to administer Kristin's epidural. She is in extreme pain and has been rocking on the bed desperate for some relief. Unfortunately the epidural proves to be a difficult one and is finally completed after about 30 minutes and 5-6 tries. However it proves to be worth the trouble as after 15 or so minutes Kristin is feeling better and the nurse is able to check how far along she is. The nurse is shocked to find that she is already at 10cm and ready to give birth.

Saturday, Sept. 20th, 3:00am -
Kristin has begun pushing and Seth has made fast progress, and is already crowning. The whole birthing crew is called in and the real show begins, lights descend from the ceiling, Kristin's bed transforms from beneath her into some kind of genius labor platform, and the doctor is in the catching position. Seth's head is slowly pushing through, and the doctor decides we need an episiotimy. After the cut, Seth bursts free in one giant wave of water! It is 3:21 am, and he is born crying in a raspy voice. Kristin exclaims that he sounds like Donald Duck, which elicits a laugh from our attending nurses and doctor. They weigh Seth at 8lbs, 5oz, and measuring 20.5 inches.

Sunday, Sept. 21st, 8:25pm -
Seth is aproaching 2 days old, and Kristin and I combined have gotten maybe five hours of sleep. Our kid is sleepy, and it can be difficult getting him to eat. Because of this we are a little nervous about heading home tomorrow morning, but we know that God will help us get through this difficult period. Personally I expect that within a day or two he will get past this 'sleepy phase' and begin eating and pooping too fast for us to keep up. We're extremely happy, we're extremely tired, and are looking forward to going home to begin life as a new family.