Being Present

Every new year people set goals.  Usually it's losing weight or stopping a bad habit or becoming someone they want to be.  My goal this year was to be more present.  Maybe not in every moment, because... let's be realistic.  But I knew I was scattered and distracted most of the time.  My work and my volunteering took the most out of me.  My family got the little that was left.  And God....He was fit in here and there.  It's not how I wanted to be, but I didn't know how to change it.  I longed to be Mary and not Martha.  I wanted to sit at the feet of Jesus and just soak Him in.  I wanted to be Donna Reed and serve my family happily and know everything they thought and felt.  I wanted to be Superwoman and make a difference for everyone I came across.

I wasn't.

I'm still not.

It's my favorite time of day right now, just after the sun peaks over the treetops and the colors of the sky are blending together seamlessly.  I'm content in this quiet moment.  If I was a real grown up, I'd have a mug of coffee in my hand.  I rarely see this time; I'm always rushing to make Michael's breakfast, get the boys up, pack Seth's backpack and get the day started for Caleb.  I miss this gift every single day.  But not today.  God made this morning for me.  Michael is away camping for the weekend.  Caleb is spending this night with his nana.  And Seth is finally sleeping through the night after a long week of sickness.  Seven nights of checking fever and making adjustments and giving medicine every two hours with minutes of sleep in between, because his coughing was so powerful that sleep evaded us.  I was beyond exhausted, lost all of my patience, and was just worn out.  And then God woke me this morning, feeling - not necessarily wide awake - but rested.  Peaceful, as I watch the sun rise.

Seth patters out the bedroom obviously feeling better, as well.  He cuddles on the couch with me, watching me type, because he is nosy like his mother.  And I feel the warmth emanating from him as I realize this time is limited.  My nine year old is growing up.  My six year old is spending the night confidently away from me, with no tears.  And in a matter of weeks, we'll be starting over with a brand new little baby.  I am entirely blessed and I miss so much of it, because I'm always thinking of the next thing.

Homeschool.  Doctor appointments.  Homemaking.  Playdates.  Food planning (I'm so ready for this gestational diabetes to be over).  Bible studies.  Outings.  Keeping up with people.  Church activities.  Trying to find something for me.  Sleep, blessed sleep. 

Other women balance all these things and appear to do so flawlessly.  I know that's not realistic; we all struggle.  But I'd like to look like I manage the same.  But I'll settle for just being present.  For soaking in the moment.  For noticing the sunrise.  For the extra cuddles while I hear about the mundane details of the newest video game.  While I nod, not understanding anything about Michael's job, but actually listening all the same.  While feeling this little lady squirm around inside me.  While just sitting in silence and "being still."

It's going to take a long time before I can be that person.  It may be my goal for next year, as well.  But I want to be gentle and quiet and in the moment.  I want to notice the sun every morning and remember to say thank you, because it's a gift.  This life is a gift.